100 Funny Birthday Card Messages

Birthdays are great, but finding the right thing to say in a card can be tough.

If sincere wishes aren’t your style, why not make them laugh?

This blog post has some hilarious birthday messages to choose from, perfect for bringing a smile (and maybe a bit of embarrassment) to their special day.

Funny Birthday Card Messages

• At least you’re not as old as you’ll be next year!
  

• Happy Birthday! I’m so pleased to hear you’re over the hill instead of under it.
  

• Don’t worry about your age, you’re still younger than your next birthday.
  

• For your birthday, I’ve gotten you something that’s gluten-free, zero calories, and absolutely delightful. This card!
  

• Another year, another new place that aches.
  

• They say the best things in life are free. Good thing for me, your birthday wishes are one of those things!
  

• Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
  

• If anyone calls you old this birthday, hit them with your cane and throw your teeth at them!
  

• On your birthday, I thought of giving you the cutest gift in the world. But then I realized, there’s no way I could shrink myself!
  

• Congratulations! You only look one year older than you did on your last birthday.
  

• I’m just here for the cake.
  

• Two tips on your birthday: 1) Forget the past, you can’t change it. 2) Forget the present, I didn’t get you one.
  

• On your birthday, a few wise words: smile while you still have teeth.
  

• Your birthday always reminds me how old I am, because I remember your birth like it was yesterday.
  

• It’s your birthday, but let’s not focus on the number of years gone by. Let’s look forward to the years to come! I’m planning on having a lot of fun in the coming years with you!
  

• Happy birthday! May your year be filled with laughter, love, and casts that are only found on your arm, not on your movies!
  

• You know you’re getting old when you walk up the stairs and call it exercise. Happy Bday!
  

• Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
  

• Happy birthday! Remember you’re only as old as you feel… but you’ll always be older than me.
  

• If you count your birthday in dog years, you’re a much younger person! Happy Birthday.
  

• Happy Birthday! I’m not saying you’re old… but your birth certificate might be a historical document.
  

• At least you’re not as old as you will be next year! Happy Birthday!
  

• It’s ok to light the candles on your birthday cake now; I’ve already alerted the fire department.
  

• Congratulations on being born a really long time ago.
  

• Don’t count the years… count the wishes & all the cheers! Enjoy your birthday.
  

• Have you ever tried to recall what life was like before you were born? Yeah, me neither. Have a blast on your birthday.
  

• They say that age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body.
  

• I would have bought you a birthday present but I didn’t think you wanted me to take money out of the alcohol budget.
  

• You’re at an age when your back goes out more than you do.
  

• You’re so old when you look at your birth certificate, it says expired.
  

• Wishing you a birthday that’s as relaxing and enjoyable as a tropical vacation, minus the sunscreen mishaps. Have a blast!
  

• If you keep getting so old, I’m going to have to start shopping for a cane.
  

• Congratulations, you’ve finally reached the wonder years… wonder where your car is parked? Wonder where you left your phone?
  

• Hope you have an amazing birthday…it’s just a shame that no one will believe you when you tell them your age!
  

• Middle age: When you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy!
  

• Don’t tell your mom what we did last summer.
  

• Birthdays are like boogers. The more you have, the harder it is to breathe!
  

• Your birthday is the first day of another 365-day trip around the sun. Buckle up.
  

• Now that you’re older, you can think about all the things you’d like to go back in time and tell your younger self. But don’t think too hard, I wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself.
  

• Happy Birthday! Don’t worry about getting so old. I will have the fire extinguisher ready in case your birthday cake gets out of control. Love you!
  

• Here’s one to laugh at: “Age is just a number,” yeah right, and jail is just a room!
  

• Remember, you can’t be a failure if you never achieved anything in the first place! Happy Birthday.
  

• Congrats on your birthday! You’re one step closer to dinosaurs, sabertooth tigers, and woolly mammoths. Just kidding, happy birthday!
  

• May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
  

• Roses are red, violets are blue, birthdays suck when you’re older than two.
  

• Wishing you a happy birthday! May you live to be so old, you scare young children unintentionally.
  

• I wouldn’t say you’re old…you’ve just been young for longer than most of us.
  

• Smile while you still have teeth! Happy Birthday!
  

• Did you know that birthdays are good for your health? Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer. So here’s to more birthdays!
  

• Happy Birthday! And don’t think of it as getting older, think of it as becoming a classic.
  

• Older? Yes. Wiser? Well, we can’t expect miracles. Happy Birthday!
  

• Happy Birthday! Just remember: you’re only as old as your most recent selfie looks.
  

• I didn’t forget your birthday, I’m just fashionably late.
  

• I got you the ultimate gift… It’s a calendar! Because the best present, is presence.
  

• You’re not over the hill. You’re on top of it!
  

• On your special day, I have a proposal for you: let’s eat cake, dance like nobody’s watching, and laugh until our sides hurt! Deal?
  

• Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.
  

• Happy Birthday! We’re so glad we can count you among the living for another year.
  

• Birthdays are just nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake and throw a party. Enjoy your day!
  

• Have you heard the joke about the old man? Oh… never mind, I just realized you ARE the old man. Happy birthday!
  

• Hope you’re not afraid of heights because you keep reaching new levels of awesomeness.
  

• I can’t believe how big you’re getting! Just keep the cake proportionate to your age.
  

• We were going to have a fire on your cake but the fire department said it would be a fire hazard. Happy Birthday anyway!
  

• Congrats on getting older but not wiser. Happy Birthday!
  

• At your age, “getting lucky” means finding your car in the parking lot.
  

• Don’t be bothered about your age. Real age is not the age on your ID. That is just your body’s age. Your spirit can always be young and vibrant. Happy birthday!
  

• They say that the older you get, the wiser you become. Yet, we still keep doing these birthday parties every year.
  

• Don’t feel uncomfortable about your age. We will all one day get as old as you are.
  

• On your birthday, I wish you get stuffs like, fun, romance, love, peace, and friendship. These are things that money can’t buy and depend on how rich you are.
  

• Congratulations! You are now old enough to be a dad but your maturity level is still like a two year old.
  

• Another year older, none the wiser.
  

• At least when you’re alone on your birthday, you can have the whole cake to yourself.
  

• Birthdays are like chocolate. It’s best not to keep count of how many you’ve had.
  

• If getting old is hard for you, remember that it’s hard for all of us! You’re not alone. Happy Birthday.
  

• Happy Birthday! I promise I won’t tell how old you really are!
  

• The older the fiddler, the sweeter the tune. Except in your case.
  

• When I die, I want to die like you – quietly, peacefully in my sleep. Not screaming in terror like your passengers.
  

• Just tell me when’s your wedding, because I am tired of celebrating your birthdays. 
  

• Don’t think of them as wrinkles. Think of them as maturity lines.
  

• The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet.
  

• On your birthday, I thought we should celebrate the things we have in common. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a card for “shopping recipients of insanely great friends.”
  

• I wanted to give you the best birthday greeting ever…but this card was all I could afford. Happy Birthday!
  

• Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed. So, you’ve got that going for you.
  

• A little bird told me it was your birthday! I ate him.
  

• It’s your birthday, so sit back, relax, and don’t do a thing. That should be really easy for you.
  

• Birthdays are like pizza, the more you have, the less you want.
  

• In dog years, you would be…well, dead.
  

• Happy birthday! You’re like a bridesmaid – always there to help me through the crazy moments, and always ready to party afterward!
  

• At least you’re not as old as you’ll be this time next year.
  

• At your age, you have more candles on your cake than wrinkles on your face. Just kidding, have a great birthday!
  

• Happy birthday! Here’s to another year of being a straight-A student and a full-time expert in procrastination.
  

• You’re at that age where you’re old enough to know better, but young enough not to care.
  

• Happy birthday! Don’t count the candles, count the memories.
  

• Congratulations on successfully completing another year of life without killing anyone.
  

• Age is just a number, but in your case, it’s a really high one.
  

• The older we get, the more we realize what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Mainly because we can’t remember exactly what happened.
  

• Like a fine wine, we get better with age… or rather, we feel better about our age with lots of wine!
  

• You’re not old, you’re just retired from happy days!
  

• Remember, it’s not that you’re older than me, you were just born before I was.
  

• Don’t worry about your future, I know it will be bright. After all, I had to wear sunglasses just to look at your cake this year! Happy Birthday!