Warning Signs a Man is Pretending To Love You
I’ve spent years listening to women describe the moment they realized something was off. On the surface, the man in question said all the right things. He was affectionate, attentive—at least at first.
But over time, those same women found themselves anxious, doubting their instincts, even questioning their worth.
The hardest part?
He never outright mistreated them. Instead, it was death by a thousand emotional papercuts—subtle signs he wasn’t actually in love, just performing the part.
This isn’t about men who are confused or emotionally stunted. We’re talking about those who consciously or unconsciously simulate love to get their needs met—whether it’s validation, control, sex, or status.
And let’s be honest: pretending to love someone is a manipulation of the highest order. But it’s not always obvious. That’s why I think this conversation deserves more depth—because even the sharpest among us can miss the signs when affection is weaponized.
When His Actions Don’t Match His Words
Let’s start here because this one trips up so many people, even therapists and coaches. We’re taught to believe that consistency is a hallmark of love. But what do you do when someone’s words are loving, while their behavior is totally misaligned?
You hear, “I miss you,” but he goes days without calling. He says, “I’ve never felt this way about anyone,” but avoids deep conversations or future plans. You’re told you’re special, but your emotional needs are treated like a nuisance.
That dissonance isn’t clumsiness—it’s a mask.
Genuine love, even when imperfect, strives to reduce that gap between intention and action. When a man is pretending, that gap becomes the space where confusion grows. I worked with a client—high-achieving, emotionally attuned—who dated a man who praised her constantly but never made space for her grief when her mother passed. He showed up with flowers and charming words, but shut down emotionally when she cried. That’s not love. That’s performance.
He Never Really Opens Up
I want to challenge a common assumption here: just because someone shares a few “secrets” doesn’t mean they’re emotionally available. In fact, I’ve seen men weaponize pseudo-vulnerability as a way to earn trust.
They’ll tell you about childhood trauma or a bad breakup early on—things that feel intimate—but notice the pattern. These disclosures are often rehearsed. Polished. They don’t evolve. They’re not messy or present-tense.
Real vulnerability is iterative. It deepens with time, invites questions, and creates emotional safety. When someone’s “deep sharing” is always one-directional, outdated, or weirdly flattering (“I’ve never told anyone this, but I feel safe with you”), that’s a red flag. They’re using vulnerability as a tool, not a bridge.
And this is where things get nuanced—because a lot of us mistake “emotional depth” for “emotional availability.” Watch for whether he responds to your vulnerability or just performs his own. If you’re baring your soul and he’s dodging yours, it’s not mutual connection.
He Bombards You, Then Pulls Back
This one still gets under my skin because it feels like love at first. That intensity, that rush of texts, the spontaneous visits, the “I’ve never met anyone like you.” You know the drill. But what follows? Silence. Distance. Emotional withdrawal.
This pattern—love bombing followed by sudden detachment—isn’t just unhealthy, it’s strategic. The initial flood of affection isn’t about connection; it’s about control. And once the emotional hook is set, the investment drops off.
I once had a session with a woman who was convinced she’d ruined the relationship because he went from “I want to marry you” to barely texting back. In reality, nothing changed—except that he’d gotten what he wanted: her full emotional buy-in. The affection was never meant to last. It was bait.
And when love is used as bait, it’s not love at all.
You’re Not in His Real Life
This is one of the most reliable indicators—and yet it’s frequently dismissed. When a man’s affection never moves beyond private, 1-on-1 interactions, you have to ask: why?
I’m not saying he needs to parade you around on social media. But if months go by and you’ve never met his friends, never been to his place, and all plans are last-minute or secretive, you’re likely not being loved—you’re being used.
Experts know emotional intimacy often expands to include a wider ecosystem: shared routines, circles, environments. When that expansion doesn’t happen, especially after sustained connection, the affection is being siloed for a reason. And usually, that reason isn’t good.
He Reframes Your Feelings as Flaws
This is gaslighting with a velvet glove. You express a need or boundary, and he responds with “You’re being dramatic,” or “I think you’re overthinking this.” Over time, you start doubting your gut.
It’s manipulative, yes—but it’s also effective. Because once he can convince you that your desire for closeness, clarity, or consistency is a character flaw, he no longer has to meet those needs.
I’ve seen this particularly with emotionally intelligent women. When they speak up, they’re often pathologized—told they’re “too intense,” or “too much.” And because they’re reflective, they internalize it. They think, “Maybe I am asking for too much.”
That self-doubt is exactly what a man pretending to love you wants. Because the moment you stop trusting yourself, you’re easier to manipulate.
These signs may not scream deception on their own, but when they show up in clusters, it’s time to pay attention. The hard truth is, some men are very good at simulating love. But if you slow down and observe the patterns—not just the words—you’ll start to see the gaps where authenticity should live.
Signs He’s Faking It — A Quick Checklist
Sometimes the most powerful realizations come from patterns we can name fast. When you’re dealing with a man who’s pretending to love you, he’s often recycling behavior, not generating it from a place of authentic emotion. Below is a list I’ve built over time from casework, coaching sessions, and real-world stories. These aren’t just red flags—they’re often scripts that repeat across relationships.
Let’s walk through these together.
He says “I love you” a lot but avoids future planning
It sounds counterintuitive, right? You’d think someone dropping I love you all the time is emotionally invested. But listen: love without future orientation is often emotional theater.
I’ve seen men say those words to anchor a woman emotionally without ever discussing what comes next. No vacations planned, no talk of moving in, no holiday coordination. The phrase becomes a tool to stop questions, not build a future. If you’re hearing “I love you” but feeling no momentum, trust the gap—not the declaration.
You feel emotionally unsafe after opening up
When you’re with someone who truly loves you, emotional sharing leads to closeness—even if it’s messy. But when someone’s pretending, your vulnerability becomes ammunition.
Maybe you share something raw, and he goes cold. Or worse, he later throws your words back at you in a fight. The subtle message is: “You shouldn’t have shared that.” That teaches you to shut down next time.
Genuine love encourages openness. Pretend love punishes it.
He mirrors your desires but never initiates them
This one’s sneaky. He agrees with everything: “Yeah, I totally want a slow-paced relationship. Same here—I’m all about family. You’re right, emotional safety is so important.” But when it comes to actually doing anything aligned with those values? Crickets.
Mirroring is a mimicry tactic. It buys time, wins trust, and reduces friction—but it isn’t real commitment. A loving partner will show internal motivation around shared values. Not just agreement.
Every conflict ends with you feeling like the villain
You bring up how you’re feeling, and suddenly you’re the one apologizing. He’s “confused,” “disappointed,” or just goes silent until you backpedal.
One client told me, “I’d start the conversation needing comfort and end it feeling guilty for being sad.” That’s not love—that’s manipulation dressed in emotional passivity. If you’re always the one doing emotional labor during a conflict, you’re not in a partnership—you’re in a performance.
Intimacy feels rehearsed, not connected
This applies to physical intimacy and emotional closeness. You might notice that sex feels like a routine—not a shared experience. Or his comforting gestures seem oddly timed, like he’s ticking boxes rather than showing up organically.
I remember talking to a woman who said, “He knew exactly when to hug me, but I never felt held.” That line stuck with me—because love is felt, not just performed.
After he gets what he wants, he becomes distant
This might be sex, emotional validation, status, even just your time. Once the goal is met, the warmth evaporates. It’s as if the lights go out.
This is one of the clearest indicators he’s pretending. Genuine love doesn’t shut off after gratification—it softens, it lingers, it connects more deeply. When a man detaches right after getting what he came for, it’s not connection—it’s extraction.
Look, none of us want to believe someone is faking love. But these behaviors don’t lie. If you’re feeling confused, if the relationship feels off but you can’t prove why—come back to this checklist. Because when someone’s pretending, their patterns will always give them away.
What’s Really Going On in His Head
Let’s pull back the curtain a bit. If a man is pretending to love you—especially consistently and convincingly—he’s doing it for a reason. And no, it’s not always because he’s evil or sociopathic. But that doesn’t make it less harmful.
There are four core psychological motives I see again and again.
He needs control, not closeness
Some men confuse love with possession. They don’t want connection—they want control over access, emotion, and attention. Love becomes something they “own,” not something they share.
Pretending to love gives them that control without requiring vulnerability. They get the benefits—affection, loyalty, sex—without opening themselves up to being hurt or accountable.
This is especially true for men with avoidant attachment. They fear closeness but crave security. So they perform love just long enough to lock someone in emotionally, then start withdrawing.
He sees love as performance, not practice
If a man has grown up in environments where love was conditional—based on achievement, image, or charm—he may learn to perform affection rather than embody it.
I’ve worked with men like this in therapy. They don’t even realize they’re faking it. They think showing up with flowers and saying “I adore you” is love. But ask them how they support their partner when she’s breaking down or scared? Blank stare.
Real love isn’t performative. It’s responsive. And a man who doesn’t know that will give you pageantry, not partnership.
He’s emotionally extractive
This is a hard pill to swallow. Some men seek relationships to feed unmet emotional needs—but have no intention of reciprocating.
They’ll draw you in, soak up your empathy, your nurturing, your affirmation. But when you need support? They’re gone. Or worse, annoyed.
I call this the emotional parasite dynamic. These men don’t know how to self-regulate. So they plug into strong, grounded women to get stability—but won’t offer it back. And they’ll say whatever it takes to stay plugged in.
He fears abandonment but lacks emotional maturity
Here’s the paradox: some men do feel something genuine at first—but lack the skills to maintain it. They get overwhelmed by intimacy and then resort to manipulation to maintain closeness without showing vulnerability.
It’s like emotional fraud driven by fear. He tells you what he thinks you want to hear so you won’t leave—but can’t show up when you need depth.
This is not an excuse, by the way. But it helps explain why some men seem so convincing at first: they’re trying to keep love without actually giving it.
So what does this mean for us, as experts and humans? It means we need to go deeper when we assess emotional patterns. Not just “Does he say he loves her?” but “Is he building something with her? Is he responding to her?”
Because love isn’t about words or rituals. It’s about how consistently someone chooses to show up—especially when it’s hard.
Final Thoughts
We’re all vulnerable to performance—especially when it sounds like love and looks just close enough to pass. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: love can be confusing, but it’s never cryptic.
Real love leaves trails—of care, growth, presence, repair. When those trails don’t exist? Look again. Because someone pretending to love you may not break your heart violently, but they’ll leave you emotionally starving.
And you deserve more than words that sound right. You deserve actions that feel safe.
