Why You Should be Aware of “Toxic Positivity”
You’ve probably seen it all over social media—quotes like “Positive vibes only” or “Just smile, it’ll all work out.” And on the surface, that sounds harmless, even uplifting. I used to think the same. But over time, I started noticing how exhausting it was to always feel like I had to be upbeat, even when life was falling apart behind the scenes.
This is where the idea of toxic positivity comes in. It’s that constant pressure to stay positive no matter what. While being optimistic has its place, forcing positivity can actually backfire, especially when you’re struggling. Instead of feeling supported, you might feel unseen, judged, or even ashamed for having completely normal emotions like sadness or anger.
Lately, more psychologists are speaking out about this, and it’s shifting the conversation around mental health. Because guess what? All emotions—not just the happy ones—are valid, important, and worth feeling.
How Toxic Positivity Messes With Your Mind
It’s not about being positive—it’s about being only positive
Let’s be clear: There’s nothing wrong with wanting to stay hopeful or upbeat. We all need that sometimes. But toxic positivity crosses a line. It’s the difference between saying, “This is tough, but I’ll get through it,” and saying, “I’m not allowed to feel bad, so I’ll pretend everything’s fine.”
When we suppress our “negative” emotions in favor of forced positivity, we’re not actually coping—we’re avoiding. And avoidance rarely works in the long run.
I remember a friend of mine, Sarah, who lost her job during the pandemic. Every time she tried to open up about how scared and lost she felt, people would say things like, “At least you have your health,” or “This is just a new beginning!” Sure, those intentions were kind, but they completely skipped over what she really needed—to be heard and validated. She told me later that it made her feel like she was failing just for feeling anxious and uncertain. That’s the emotional cost of toxic positivity.
Emotions don’t just disappear because you ignore them
When we constantly push down emotions like sadness, anger, fear, or grief, we’re not getting rid of them—we’re just burying them. And like anything buried, they have a way of resurfacing later… usually stronger, messier, and more confusing.
Psychologists have shown that emotional suppression increases stress, not just mentally, but physically. Your body actually reacts—higher cortisol levels, muscle tension, disrupted sleep. One study published in Emotion found that people who habitually suppress emotions experience more negative emotions overall, not less. Kind of ironic, right?
That makes sense when you think about it. Emotions are there for a reason—they’re signals. Fear tells us something feels unsafe. Sadness points to loss. Anger alerts us to boundaries being crossed. When we ignore those signals, we lose the chance to respond wisely.
Toxic positivity shuts down real connection
We often think being positive makes us more likable or easier to be around. But ironically, toxic positivity can make us harder to connect with. When someone is struggling and you brush it off with a cheerful “look on the bright side,” they’re likely to feel misunderstood—or worse, alone.
Have you ever opened up to someone and they immediately jumped into “silver lining” mode? Maybe you said, “I’m going through a rough breakup,” and they replied with, “Everything happens for a reason!” Oof. That kind of response may come from a good place, but it shuts down the space for real support.
What people actually need in hard moments isn’t a pep talk—they need empathy. They need someone to say, “That sounds really hard. I’m here.” That kind of response builds trust and helps people process their feelings in a healthy way.
You’re not a failure for having bad days
Toxic positivity feeds into this subtle but dangerous idea that if you’re not happy all the time, you’re doing something wrong. That your mental state is entirely your fault. That if you just thought more positively, you’d be fine.
This mindset can be especially harmful for people already struggling with depression or anxiety. Imagine dealing with crippling self-doubt or sadness, and then being told you’re not “thinking positively enough.” That’s not just unhelpful—it’s downright harmful. It adds a layer of guilt and shame on top of whatever you’re already going through.
But here’s the truth: having negative emotions doesn’t make you weak—it makes you human. We’re not meant to be upbeat 24/7. That’s not resilience—that’s denial.
The irony of toxic positivity? It actually makes us less resilient
You might think always being positive makes you stronger, but in reality, it makes you brittle. Resilience isn’t about ignoring pain—it’s about facing it, working through it, and learning from it. And you can’t do that if you’re constantly trying to shove your emotions under a rug.
There’s a growing movement in psychology that focuses on emotional flexibility—the ability to acknowledge and adapt to whatever emotions show up, without judgment. Studies show that people who allow themselves to experience a full range of emotions—good, bad, and everything in between—are actually more mentally healthy over time.
So the next time you catch yourself saying, “Just stay positive,”—whether to yourself or someone else—pause and ask: What’s the emotion underneath? What needs to be felt or understood here?
Because sometimes the most powerful thing you can do isn’t to find a silver lining. It’s to sit in the storm for a moment and say, “This sucks. And that’s okay.”
Signs You Might Be Stuck in Toxic Positivity
Toxic positivity isn’t always easy to spot, especially because it often hides behind “nice” things—smiles, encouragement, and seemingly harmless phrases. I mean, who would question something like “Just be grateful” or “Look on the bright side”? But when these phrases start replacing real emotional conversations, that’s where problems sneak in.
So how do you know if you’re falling into the trap? Or maybe even accidentally putting someone else in that spot? Here are some signs that you might be stuck in a toxic positivity loop, either with yourself or in your relationships.
You feel guilty for feeling bad
This is probably one of the biggest red flags. Ever caught yourself thinking, “Other people have it worse, I shouldn’t be upset”? Yeah, same here. It sounds noble, but all it does is silence your own experience.
Here’s the thing—pain isn’t a competition. You don’t have to “earn” the right to feel hurt, sad, or anxious. Minimizing your struggles doesn’t make them go away; it just makes you feel like you’re not allowed to have them in the first place.
You brush off real emotions with cliché phrases
When you (or someone else) responds to tough feelings with things like:
- “Just stay positive.”
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “It could be worse.”
- “Good vibes only.”
- “Don’t be so negative.”
…that’s not encouragement—it’s emotional avoidance. These kinds of phrases may sound supportive, but they often shut down important conversations. Over time, this kind of language can make people feel invisible or burdensome.
And honestly, if you’ve ever vented about a stressful week and someone chirps back with “At least you have a job!”, you know exactly how invalidating that feels.
You constantly put on a happy face—even when you’re not okay
You might be the go-to “positive one” in your friend group. Or maybe you’ve told yourself you have to be strong for your family. So you smile, joke, and keep things light even when you’re struggling inside. Sound familiar?
This emotional masking can be exhausting, and it disconnects you from people who might actually want to help. You end up feeling lonelier, even though you’re surrounded by people.
Let me be blunt: You don’t have to be the sunshine for everyone else when you’re stuck in a thunderstorm. It’s okay to let the people in your life see your clouds too.
You avoid difficult conversations to keep things “positive”
Do you dodge topics like grief, mental health, money problems, or anything else “heavy” because you don’t want to bring down the mood? Toxic positivity makes us afraid of real talk. It creates this weird pressure where honesty feels like a buzzkill.
But here’s the twist: when we only share the highs and never the lows, we rob ourselves of true connection. Vulnerability is where trust grows. If you want deeper relationships, you have to let the whole you show up—including the parts that are struggling.
You shame or silence others (even unintentionally)
This one’s tough to admit, but important. If someone opens up and you respond with “You just need to stay positive”, you might think you’re helping—but you’re actually dismissing their pain.
We’ve all done it, probably without meaning to. Maybe because we didn’t know what to say, or their pain made us uncomfortable. But you don’t need to fix someone to support them. Just listening, validating, and being there is more powerful than any motivational quote could ever be.
Recognizing these signs doesn’t mean you’re a bad person—it just means you’re learning. And that’s a good thing. Once you see it, you can start showing up for yourself and others in a more authentic, compassionate way.
What to Do Instead of Forcing Positivity
Alright, so you get it—being relentlessly positive isn’t the goal. But then what is? What should we do instead when life gets hard, or when someone we love is struggling?
Here’s where the shift happens: we move from toxic positivity to emotional validation. That just means we allow ourselves and others to feel what we feel, without trying to shut it down or sugarcoat it.
Give yourself permission to feel everything
Yes, even the “ugly” stuff. Anger. Jealousy. Fear. Sadness. Guilt. These are all human emotions, and none of them are bad or wrong. You’re not a robot programmed to smile through everything.
If you’re having a rough day, try saying to yourself:
“I feel overwhelmed right now—and that makes sense given what I’m dealing with.”
That’s a validating statement. You’re acknowledging your experience instead of fighting it.
When we give ourselves permission to feel, the emotion actually moves through us faster. Suppressing it keeps it stuck. Feeling it helps it pass.
Listen without fixing
If someone comes to you with something heavy, fight the urge to jump into fix-it mode or try to cheer them up. Just be present. That’s all most people really want.
Instead of saying:
- “Don’t cry, it’ll be okay,”
Try: - “I’m really sorry you’re going through this. That sounds painful.”
See the difference? One tries to make the emotion disappear. The other makes space for it.
Replace clichés with curiosity
When you’re tempted to say something like “At least…” or “Just think positive,” pause. Try asking a question instead. Like:
“What’s been the hardest part for you?”
or
“How are you really feeling today?”
Asking open questions builds emotional trust. And it shows you’re actually with them in their experience, not trying to redirect it.
Reframe—not to ignore pain, but to support growth
Let’s be real—sometimes reframing a situation can be helpful. But it has to come from a grounded place, not one that denies reality.
Here’s a healthier way to reframe:
“This is really hard right now. And I’m learning a lot about what I need.”
or
“I hate that this happened. But maybe I don’t have to go through it alone.”
You’re still acknowledging pain, but you’re also supporting your own growth. That’s emotional resilience—not forced optimism.
Practice empathy over cheerleading
Empathy says, “I feel with you.” Toxic positivity says, “I need you to feel better so I can feel better.”
Let’s be the people who sit in the mud with others when they’re hurting. Not the ones standing on the shore yelling, “Just swim harder!”
If you’re not sure what to say, say something simple and honest:
- “That sounds really tough. I’m here.”
- “I don’t know exactly what you need, but I care and I’m not going anywhere.”
It might not feel like much, but real empathy is healing in a way that fake sunshine never could be.
Final Thoughts
Feeling bad sometimes isn’t a failure—it’s part of being alive. Toxic positivity tries to paint over pain with a smile, but that just hides the truth: life is messy, emotional, and full of ups and downs. And that’s okay.
The more we let ourselves and others be honest about what we feel, the stronger we become. Not because we’re avoiding the hard stuff, but because we’re finally facing it—with compassion, courage, and a little less pressure to be perfect all the time.
You don’t need to be positive all the time. You just need to be real. And that’s more than enough.
