80 Funny Messages to Write in a Christmas Card

As Christmas approaches, it’s time to start thinking about the perfect Christmas card to send to your loved ones.

While heartfelt messages are always appreciated, why not add a touch of laughter and humor to make your card stand out from the rest?

In this blog post, we’ve compiled a list of funny Christmas messages that will bring a smile to everyone’s face.

From witty one-liners to playful puns, these light-hearted greetings are sure to spread joy and laughter during the festive season.

80 Funny Messages to Write in a Christmas Card

“Just remember: the best part about Christmas is the food. So eat, drink, and be merry!”
“This Christmas, may your family be functional and all your batteries included.”
“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red!”
“Did you know Santa has a gardening hobby? He loves to ho, ho, ho!”
“Christmas: the only time of year where you can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of socks.”
“If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.”
“Remember, Christmas isn’t about how big the tree is, it’s about how full the wine rack is.”
“May your Christmas be filled with lots of happiness, peace, and presents. And maybe some more presents.”
“Christmas is Claus for celebration! Hope it’s “tree-mendous”!”
“I bought this Christmas card online. I clicked the ‘I agree’ button to their privacy policy too!”
“Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work, and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.”
“Three Wise WOMEN would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, brought practical gifts, cleaned the stable… and there would be peace on earth!”
“Remember, if Christmas isn’t found in your heart, you won’t find it under a tree.”
“If a fat man puts you in a bag at night… Don’t worry, I told Santa I wanted you for Christmas.”
“Yule be sorry if you don’t have a merry Christmas! Yule see!”
“This Christmas, may your presents be many, your worries few, and your joy endless. And your relatives distant.”
“I told Santa you were good this year. He died laughing.”
“This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I’ve decided to give everyone my opinion.”
“May your home be filled with holiday songs, baked goodies, and the love of good company. And may your bathroom scale be broken.”
“Be naughty, save Santa the trip.”
“I’d tell you to be jolly this Christmas, but I think the wine will beat me to it.”
“What do you call a cat on the beach during Christmas time? Sandy Claus!”
“Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor? Because he had low ‘elf’ esteem!”
“May your Christmas be merry and bright. Or at least brighter than your car’s headlights“.
“Christmas is a season of magic and wonder. Especially when your credit card bill arrives.”
“Just like Santa at the mall, I can’t promise you that everything on your list will be there.”
“You’ve been good this year, right? Santa asked for my advice“.
“This Christmas, remember: if you think you’re too old to believe in Santa, you’re also too old to be getting a Christmas gift.”
“This Christmas, I hope you get the best presents, the best food, and the best company. But just remember: the best things in life aren’t things“.
“I got my shopping done early this year. I bought myself a bag of peanuts“.
“Did you know the best gift you can give this holiday season is your love? But a new car would also be nice“.
“This Christmas, let’s express our gratitude for the wonderful family and great friends we have. And then let’s try not to think about our crazy relatives“.
“If you don’t like my present, it’s okay to regift it. Just don’t give it back to me”.
“Did you know Santa has three gardens? So he can ho, ho, ho“.
“Christmas is the season of giving. Unless you’re a parking meter“.
“I was going to get you a good Christmas gift, but then I remembered that ‘it’s the thought that counts’“.
“What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!”
“Who is Santa’s favorite singer? Elf-is Presley!”
“Why don’t you ever see Santa in the hospital? Because he has private elf care!”
“Remember: you can’t spell ‘Santa’ without ‘satan’. I’ll just leave that right here“.
“Why does Santa go down the chimney? Because it soots him!”
“I don’t know if there’ll be snow this Christmas, but have a cup of cheer. And if you can’t find cheer, bourbon works too“.
“Christmas is a time when everyone wants their past forgotten and their present remembered. And you thought that only happened during amnesia“.
“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard. And we still don’t know who the father is“.
“This Christmas, let’s try to keep things in perspective. After all, you could be a turkey“.
“What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman!”
“Christmas is a time of year when you get homesick… even when you’re home“.
“I hope your holidays are as warm as a fireplace, and as bright as a guiding star. But try not to burn the house down“.
“Christmas is just plain weird. What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?”
“This year, instead of a Christmas message, I’m sending you a Christmas equation: Love + Joy + Peace = Christmas“.
“If tonight some big bearded man kidnaps and throws you in a sack, don’t worry, I told Santa I want you for Christmas“.
“This Christmas, may you have as much self-control as a Christmas turkey – ’cause you know, they always stuff their bellies and then rest a lot“.
“If you jingle my bells, I’ll promise you a white Christmas“.
“Hope your holiday season is off to a great start. Mine is just tree-mendous“.
“Remember: the Christmas spirit is not what you drink. But it’s pretty close“.
“Here’s to hoping that your Christmas contains less ‘bah humbug’ and more ‘ho ho ho’“.
“May your Christmas lights work, may your coffee be strong, and may your Monday be short. Oh wait, it’s Christmas, not Monday“.
“Did you hear that Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer never went to school? He was elf-taught“.
“This Christmas, may you feel all the love and joy I have for you throughout the holiday season and all year round. Having you as my friend brings me great joy“.
“You know what I got for Christmas this year? Fat. I got fat“.
“All I want for Christmas is food and sleep. And maybe some good company“.
“Keep calm and wait for Santa. I swear he’s real“.
“Why don’t we ever hear anything about the tenth reindeer ‘Olive’? Olive? Yeah, you know, ‘Olive the other reindeer’“.
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic“.
“Why does Santa always carry an umbrella? Just in case of ‘rein-dear’“.
“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red“.
“Did you hear about the guy who stole an advent calendar? He got 25 days!”
“I’d tell you the one about the broken pencil, but it’s pointless. Just like trying to diet during Christmas“.
“They say the best of all gifts around any Christmas tree is the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other. I think they meant presents“.
“Did you know that Santa’s not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission“.
“What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman!”
“I asked Santa for a nicer friend. Just kidding, you’re already pretty nice“.
“Merry Christmas! I hope you love your present. If not, remember: it’s the thought that counts“.
“This Christmas, may you have everything that you need. And by that, I mean time, peace, and wine“.
“What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus“.
“Merry Christmas! I might not believe in Santa, but I still believe in a good Christmas card“.
“I know we say this every year… But let’s eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet!”
“Why does Scrooge love reindeer so much? Because every buck is dear to him“.
“Do you know why Santa Claus is always so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live“.
“Have a ‘tree-mendous’ Christmas. I had to sneak in one more tree pun“.