Signs You Are Chasing Someone Who is Not Good For You
We don’t talk enough about how even smart, self-aware people can get caught chasing someone who isn’t good for them. I’ve seen clients who run million-dollar teams crumble into confusion over a text that never came. They say, “But I know better,” and they do.
But knowing and seeing yourself are two different things. Chasing someone who isn’t good for you isn’t just an “insecure attachment issue”—it’s often an identity trap, a moment where your drive to connect collides with your fear of missing out on “potential.”
I’ve learned that this is where we lose so much energy. You think it’s about them, but it’s really about you proving to yourself you’re lovable enough to get through their walls. It’s a spiritual bypass with a dopamine twist.
And it’s costing you clarity and power in the places you need it most—like your creativity, leadership, and inner peace.
The Hidden Hooks That Make You Chase
Chasing doesn’t feel like chasing when you’re in it. It feels like urgency. It feels like purpose. It feels like chemistry. But often, it’s a dopamine-driven attachment spiral we’ve romanticized because we’ve been conditioned to believe love should be hard.
I’m not here to recycle the usual “you’re chasing because you have anxious attachment.” You already know that. Let’s dig deeper into what’s really going on under the hood.
The Dopamine Trap We Don’t Recognize
Intermittent reinforcement—getting tiny crumbs of attention—is addictive because it creates unpredictable rewards. Each time you get a text, a compliment, or a like on your story from them, your brain releases dopamine. This is the same neurochemical loop that makes gambling addictive.
But here’s the kicker: we confuse dopamine with connection.
A client of mine, a founder of a successful tech startup, was “in love” with a woman who would ghost him for weeks, then return with a flirty message. His body would light up every time, convincing him it was love. But when we looked closer, he realized the only thing he felt consistently was anxiety. He wasn’t building intimacy; he was gambling for her attention, and it was hijacking his clarity at work.
The Savior Complex Masquerading as Love
If you’re a high-functioning, emotionally intelligent person, you’re especially prone to the fixer fantasy. You think you’re being patient and loving when, in reality, you’re trying to rescue them from their chaos.
I get it. It feels noble. It feels spiritual. “I see their potential,” you’ll say. But often, it’s your trauma playing out, seeking redemption through someone else’s healing. You think you’re the exception who can help them “finally open up,” but the real question is, why do you need to be the exception?
I once stayed connected with someone who consistently avoided accountability for their behavior because I felt it was my “role” to model healthy communication so they could learn. Meanwhile, I was ignoring the reality: they weren’t even trying. I wasn’t loving them; I was trying to earn love by being useful.
The Myth That Hard Equals Worthy
We’re conditioned by movies and childhood stories that love is meant to be a struggle. That if you try hard enough, love will win. That if you’re rejected, it means you need to improve yourself to be chosen.
This narrative is dangerous for experts and high performers because we’re used to winning through effort. We think, “If I can just say the right thing, be more understanding, show them how good I am, they’ll finally choose me.”
But real love doesn’t need to be convinced.
A therapist I admire once told me, “You can’t outwork someone else’s willingness.” And that hit me. We think we can out-strategize another person’s lack of readiness because we’ve out-strategized obstacles everywhere else. But relationships don’t work that way.
Why This Matters More Than You Think
The reason this matters isn’t just about love—it’s about your life force. Chasing people who are wrong for you bleeds your energy, leaving you with less bandwidth for your creative work, your mission, your body’s health, and your inner calm.
You lose days and weeks in emotional confusion and overanalysis, checking your phone for their response, replaying conversations, and analyzing social media interactions. That mental bandwidth is expensive. You don’t notice how much it’s draining you until you step back and see what you’re sacrificing.
I’ve seen people hit breakthrough business goals within weeks of stopping a chase that was draining them because they suddenly had mental and emotional energy free to focus again.
A Loving Call to Pay Attention
If you’re chasing someone who isn’t good for you, it’s not because you’re weak or needy. It’s because you’re human and you’ve been hooked by a subtle psychological cocktail of dopamine, potential, and identity repair.
Recognizing this isn’t about shame—it’s about reclaiming your power. Because when you stop chasing the wrong person, you create space for aligned, safe, inspiring love—and your energy returns to the mission that actually matters to you.
And that’s something worth chasing.
Signs You’re Chasing the Wrong Person
You’re smart, self-aware, and you’ve done enough therapy or deep inner work to know when something’s off. Yet, it’s easy to miss these subtle signs that you’re chasing someone who isn’t good for you—because sometimes, what feels like love is just your old patterns wearing a new outfit.
Here’s the thing: these signs don’t look like the dramatic red flags we read about online. They’re often quiet, normalized, and hidden behind your own stories about love, effort, and what it means to be chosen.
Let’s unpack them, one real-world sign at a time.
You Rationalize Their Behavior, Even When It Hurts
They cancel plans last minute, ignore your boundaries, or speak to you in ways that don’t feel good—and you find yourself justifying it. “They’re just stressed.” “They’re going through a lot.” “They’re different when we’re alone.”
Sound familiar?
This rationalization is how you keep the connection alive in your head, even when their actions show they’re not emotionally available or kind enough to be in your life consistently.
Your Nervous System Is Always On High Alert
If you notice your heart races when you get a notification from them—or when you don’t—you’re in a constant state of activation, not connection. Healthy relationships feel like calm, not chaos.
A client once told me, “It’s exciting, though!” But if excitement means you’re always in a state of low-key anxiety, waiting for their next message, you’re not building intimacy—you’re feeding your adrenaline addiction.
You Feel Confused More Often Than Clear
If a connection is good for you, it brings clarity. You feel more grounded in yourself, more aligned with your intuition.
When you’re chasing the wrong person, you’ll notice you’re often confused:
- “Do they like me?”
- “Did I say the wrong thing?”
- “Why haven’t they replied?”
That confusion is a sign that you’re not in a space of safety, but in a cycle of seeking validation.
They Give You Crumbs, and You Accept Them as a Feast
They might send you a good morning text once in a while, call you when it’s convenient for them, or give you moments of intimacy—but they don’t show up consistently. You hold onto those crumbs like they’re a sign of something bigger, hoping if you’re patient enough, they’ll give you the full meal.
This is intermittent reinforcement in action, and it’s designed to keep you hooked.
You Explain Their Behavior to Others—Constantly
Ever notice how you keep telling your friends, “They’re really great, it’s just that…” or “They’re going through something, so I’m trying to be patient…”?
You’re carrying the emotional burden of justifying their inconsistency, so you can keep believing in the potential of what this could be.
Your Intuition Says No, but Your Mind Says “Just One More Try”
If you pause, you’ll feel it. Your intuition whispers: this isn’t right, it’s not aligned, it doesn’t feel safe. But your mind jumps in with:
- “But they’re so amazing when they’re present.”
- “But we have such a connection.”
- “But maybe if I just show up with more love…”
Your mind creates stories to override your intuition because you’re afraid to let go of what could be, even if what is isn’t good for you.
Why These Signs Matter for Experts
For high-functioning, self-aware people, these patterns aren’t just about love. They reveal where you’re still chasing validation through relationships, mirroring the same perfectionism you may have in work and personal growth.
If you see these signs, it’s not an invitation to judge yourself. It’s an invitation to pause, breathe, and ask:
“Is this connection supporting who I am becoming, or am I using it to prove my worth?”
That question alone can change your life.
The Hidden Costs of Chasing the Wrong Person
We often think the cost of chasing the wrong person is “just emotional.” But the true cost? It’s everything—your time, your energy, your creativity, your focus, your inner peace.
If you’re an expert or high-achiever, you already know energy is your most precious resource. Let’s get honest about how much this chase is costing you.
It Blocks You from Aligned Partnerships
When you’re stuck chasing someone who doesn’t show up fully, you’re not available for people who would. You’re energetically tied to a maybe, a someday, or an illusion of potential.
People think, “I’ll just wait this out, and when it’s right, I’ll leave.” But that’s not how it works. Your attention is your currency, and while it’s tied up in hoping for this person to change, you’re not creating space for aligned love.
It Drains Your Mental and Emotional Energy
Every overanalysis of a text, every replay of a conversation, every anxiety spiral over why they haven’t replied—these micro-moments add up.
You think you’re just “checking your phone,” but you’re bleeding focus you could be using to create, lead, and live. Your mind feels cluttered because you’re in a constant loop of seeking their validation.
A client once stopped chasing someone who was breadcrumbing her, and within a month, she told me, “I didn’t realize how much energy I was spending until I got it back.” She launched a new offer in her business and had the clarity to see exactly what was draining her.
It Erodes Self-Trust
Every time you override your intuition to chase them, you teach yourself that you can’t trust yourself. You ignore your boundaries, your discomfort, and your inner knowing to get a moment of connection.
This might feel small, but over time, it erodes your sense of self-trust—and that ripples into your leadership, your creativity, and your ability to discern what’s truly aligned in other areas of your life.
It Creates Identity Entanglement
We think we’re chasing love, but often, we’re chasing proof. Proof that we’re lovable enough, patient enough, good enough to be chosen by someone who is inconsistent.
Your worth becomes entangled with “winning” them over, and without realizing it, your identity becomes the chaser rather than the chooser.
I’ve seen this with high-performing women who are confident everywhere else but will spend months chasing emotionally unavailable men, telling themselves it’s about love when it’s about proving they’re worthy of the love they desire.
The Spiritual Cost: Disconnection from Yourself
Chasing someone who isn’t good for you creates a disconnect between your actions and your values. You want aligned love, yet you’re accepting crumbs. You want peace, yet you’re in chaos. You want to trust yourself, yet you override your intuition.
This misalignment creates inner friction, a dissonance that leaves you feeling tired, confused, and disempowered.
Reclaiming Your Power
The invitation here isn’t to shame yourself, but to get radically honest about the cost. To ask yourself:
“What is this chase costing me that I’m not willing to lose anymore?”
You don’t need to cut them off immediately or judge yourself for being here. But you can start by noticing where your energy goes, how often you’re in a state of seeking, and what you’re sacrificing to keep the connection alive.
Because when you stop chasing the wrong person, you reclaim your energy, your clarity, and your power—and you become a magnet for the aligned love you actually desire.
Final Thoughts
Chasing someone who isn’t good for you isn’t just about love; it’s about the stories we tell ourselves, the validation we seek, and the ways we unconsciously block the connection we truly want.
If you’re seeing yourself in these words, that’s not a sign you’re broken. It’s a sign you’re waking up.
Love doesn’t need to be chased. When you stop pouring your energy into what drains you, you get to redirect it into the spaces, people, and creative callings that truly light you up.
And that’s how you call in the love—and life—you deserve.
