How to Find Out If Your Ex is Thinking About You
Wondering whether an ex is still thinking about us is a pretty universal curiosity, and it doesn’t magically disappear just because we’re well-versed in attachment theory or cognitive psychology. The brain has this wild tendency to loop back on emotionally significant figures, even when the relationship itself has ended.
Memory and identity are deeply entangled with intimate partners, so asking this question isn’t just about ego—it’s about meaning.
What I find fascinating (and what I think we as experts sometimes forget) is how the simple act of thinking about someone functions as an ongoing attachment behavior.
Even if the attachment bond has technically dissolved, the neural circuits that encoded it don’t just vanish. They fire when triggered—by a smell, a song, or a notification ping.
So when clients ask if their ex is thinking about them, they’re really asking: am I still part of their internal world?
How Thought Patterns Show Up After a Breakup
The difference between habit and longing
One thing I always emphasize is that thinking about an ex isn’t always about missing them—it’s often about habit. The brain is incredibly lazy when it comes to pattern recognition.
If, for two years, someone texts their partner every night before bed, that action doesn’t dissolve overnight. The cognitive groove is still there. In fact, it’s often during mundane moments—scrolling Instagram late at night, brushing teeth—that the ex pops into mind.
But here’s the kicker: when we mistake these neural leftovers for longing, we over-interpret them.
Rumination doesn’t always equal desire. Take the example of a client who swears her ex is still obsessed because he watches all her stories on social media. When I pushed her to reflect, she admitted she still watched his stories too—not out of love, but out of reflex. The habit of surveillance can masquerade as yearning.
Emotional triggers that reactivate old circuits
That said, there are clear moments when genuine longing kicks in. Breakup research shows that emotional triggers—like rejection, loneliness, or nostalgia—light up the same reward and pain circuits in the brain as physical pain.
Think of the widow who smells her late husband’s cologne in an airport, or the man who hears “their song” at a wedding. Suddenly, the past is vivid again.
An ex isn’t just a person—they’re a memory network. So when clients ask if their ex is thinking about them, what they’re really brushing up against is this neurobiological echo. I’ve personally had an ex reach out after six months of silence, completely out of the blue, because he’d stumbled upon an old photo while clearing his phone. That tiny digital artifact resurrected a whole emotional state.
Digital behavior as modern breadcrumbs
And let’s not forget how the digital age complicates everything. The subtle dance of likes, follows, and online activity has become the new body language of longing.
Someone might unfollow an ex to create distance, then sneak back with anonymous story views (yes, those “mystery accounts” are often not that mysterious). Others might deliberately post nostalgia-laden content, like a throwback vacation photo, knowing the ex will see it.
Here’s where we, as experts, need to dig deeper. Is that digital breadcrumb an intentional signal, or is it a performative gesture for self-soothing?
Just because someone posts a sad lyric doesn’t mean it’s a secret love note. Sometimes, they’re broadcasting to themselves more than to their ex.
Rumination vs. communication
I think the most overlooked distinction is between internal rumination and external communication. Someone can think about their ex every day and never act on it. In fact, intrusive thoughts often run higher in individuals who are less likely to reach out, because they’re policing their own impulses.
Conversely, the ex who casually sends a “Hey, how’s life?” text might not be as emotionally invested as the one who says nothing at all but spends nights replaying old conversations in their head.
This makes our job tricky—clients often point to surface-level actions (or inactions) as evidence of what’s happening beneath. But as we know, thoughts don’t always align with behavior.
The role of unresolved attachment
One of the clearest signs that an ex is still actively thinking about someone is when the attachment system hasn’t found a new balance. Research on anxious-preoccupied styles shows that exes high in attachment anxiety tend to ruminate and even idealize their partners after separation.
By contrast, avoidant exes may repress those thoughts—though repression itself is still a form of mental activity focused on the ex.
A colleague of mine shared a fascinating case where a man with a dismissive-avoidant style claimed he “never thought” about his ex anymore. Yet, in therapy, his dreams kept surfacing with her in them—dreams about fights, reconciliations, mundane dinners.
His waking mind wasn’t consciously holding her, but his unconscious clearly was. That’s why I often say: not thinking is sometimes just another way of thinking.
When obsession becomes pathology
There’s also a darker side here. Persistent, intrusive thoughts about an ex can tip into pathology, especially in cases of obsessive relational intrusion (ORI).
This isn’t just the occasional nostalgia scroll; it’s compulsive checking, constant hypothetical scenarios, even identity disturbance when the ex isn’t mentally present.
For example, I worked with someone who admitted to opening his ex’s LinkedIn profile 20 times in a week. He wasn’t trying to reconnect—he just couldn’t stop. His cognition was hijacked.
As experts, it’s critical to separate these pathological fixations from normal post-relationship adjustment. Otherwise, we risk romanticizing behavior that’s actually symptomatic of a deeper dysregulation.
Why this matters
So, are exes thinking about us?
Almost always, yes—at least occasionally. But the real question isn’t whether the thought arises; it’s what function that thought serves. Is it a fleeting neural hiccup, a sign of unresolved attachment, or a maladaptive fixation?
Each case is layered, and each layer tells us something new about how humans metabolize intimacy and loss.
And honestly, that’s what keeps me curious. The idea that even after bonds are severed, the mind keeps sending little sparks across those old pathways—it’s strangely beautiful, isn’t it?
Signs Your Ex Might Still Be Thinking About You
When clients (or even friends) ask me how to tell if an ex is still lingering in thought, I always say: the evidence is usually indirect and messy. People rarely come out and admit, “Hey, you’re still on my mind.” Instead, it leaks out in subtle behaviors, social cues, and sometimes, digital smoke signals.
For us as experts, the challenge is distinguishing between actual signs of preoccupation and mere coincidence or habit.
Here’s a list of the most telling cues I’ve seen over the years, both in research and in practice.
Increased engagement online
Social media is a playground for ambiguity. When an ex starts liking your posts again, commenting on things they ignored during the relationship, or suddenly following accounts connected to your circle, it’s not random.
It’s a small way of saying, “I see you.” Of course, we’ve all had clients misread this—sometimes it’s genuine, sometimes it’s algorithm-driven. But repeated engagement? That’s a pretty strong breadcrumb.
The “mutual friend pipeline”
One of the oldest tricks in the book: exes fishing for updates through shared friends.
Maybe your old roommate mentions that your ex asked how you’re doing, or your cousin casually reports that they bumped into them and your name came up. That indirect channel is a classic sign of continued curiosity. And curiosity is almost always tethered to thought.
Nostalgic references
I’ve seen people do this both deliberately and unconsciously: posting an old photo with a caption like “What a trip,” or casually mentioning, “Remember when we went there?” in group settings.
Nostalgia is rarely neutral; it’s often a public rehearsal of private memory. When an ex leans into nostalgia, they’re telling you (and themselves) that the bond still has resonance.
Echoing old habits
Ever notice how an ex suddenly picks up a hobby or interest you used to share? Maybe they dust off the guitar you taught them to play, or they start hiking again because that’s what you always did together. These aren’t just hobbies—they’re symbolic echoes.
Engaging in old shared rituals is one of the most reliable ways an ex keeps someone present in their life, even when they don’t realize it.
The “accidental” contact
Ah yes, the infamous slip text. “Oops, didn’t mean to send that.” Or the sudden DM after months of silence, framed as casual: “Hey, do you still have that recipe?”
In my experience, these “accidents” are rarely accidental. They’re tests. They’re a way of saying, “I was thinking of you, but I need cover to protect my pride.”
Important dates
Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays—they’re hotspots for resurfacing. I had a client whose ex texted her every single year on her birthday, even after he was engaged to someone else. Why? Because dates function as memory triggers, and some bonds are simply too ingrained to ignore.
Emotional leakage in conversation
Sometimes it’s subtle, sometimes not. Exes who are still preoccupied will let little details slip in conversation—mentioning your favorite coffee order, referencing something you used to say, or even criticizing you in ways that feel oddly current. That emotional leakage tells us they’re still processing.
Storytelling patterns
Finally, pay attention to how exes talk about the past. Do they retell old stories with pride? Do they frame the relationship as formative? People who have mentally moved on usually narrate their history as just that—history. People who haven’t?
Their storytelling is colored with energy, whether it’s positive or bitter.
Now, here’s the important part: none of these signals mean your ex wants to get back together. This is where clients often get stuck. Thinking about someone and wanting them back are two different processes. As experts, our job is to help people see the distinction: yes, your ex may still think of you—but that doesn’t mean they’re ready (or even able) to re-enter your life.
How Experts Can Assess Intent
So, we’ve got the cues. But cues alone aren’t enough. For those of us who study behavior, the bigger challenge is: what do these cues mean? Is it genuine unresolved attachment, performative signaling, or just normal adjustment? That’s where frameworks come in.
Attachment style as a lens
Attachment theory is one of my go-to interpretive tools. An anxious-preoccupied ex will often ruminate, stalk, or reach out—because their system is wired for hyperactivation. They think more, and they show it. Avoidant types, on the other hand, might act indifferent, but that doesn’t mean they’re not thinking. In fact, their repression often hides a deeper preoccupation. One fascinating case study: a man with dismissive-avoidant tendencies ignored his ex completely, but later admitted in therapy that he replayed their last fight almost every night. Silence isn’t always absence—it can be avoidance.
Social signaling theory
Let’s not underestimate the performative nature of post-breakup life. Social media posts, new relationships, even public appearances can function as status updates meant to send a message. I had a client whose ex suddenly became hyper-visible online—posting gym selfies, motivational quotes, endless “living my best life” content. Was he really that transformed? Probably not. It was signaling, designed to provoke curiosity. And sure enough, she noticed. That’s the point: signaling is about being noticed.
Emotional regulation strategies
Another way to assess intent is by looking at whether the ex’s behavior is self-soothing or outreach-oriented. For example, an ex who replays old playlists might be using music as a regulation tool—it’s about their own emotional comfort. But an ex who sends those songs directly? That’s an attempt at connection. The behavior itself isn’t enough—we have to ask: who is the audience?
Patterns over time
One-off signs don’t tell us much. But consistent patterns do. If your ex likes a photo once, fine. If they like ten in a row, that’s a signal. If they “accidentally” text you once, maybe. If they do it three times in six months? That’s intention disguised as accident. Experts know to look for clusters of behaviors, not isolated events.
Context matters
I can’t stress this enough: context is everything. A text on your birthday carries different weight if you’ve been in touch recently versus if you haven’t spoken in years. A nostalgic Instagram post hits differently if they’re single versus if they’re married with kids. We can’t strip the cue from its ecosystem.
Here’s where I land on this: when exes think about each other, it’s rarely linear. It’s messy, layered, sometimes contradictory. Our task isn’t to reduce it to a binary—yes or no—but to map the complexity. That’s where real insight lies.
Final Thoughts
So, are exes thinking about us? Almost certainly, in some way. But what matters more is why they’re thinking and what purpose it serves. Some thoughts are fleeting sparks, others are signs of lingering attachment, and still others are coping mechanisms that have nothing to do with genuine desire.
What I love about this topic is how it reminds us that relationships don’t end in the mind just because they end in life. Our neural pathways, our habits, our emotional triggers—they carry echoes of intimacy long after the breakup. As experts, we get to explore that liminal space between memory and desire, between thought and action. And honestly, that space is where the most human, messy, and fascinating stories live.
