How To Choose Between Multiple Men Who Have a Crush on You?
You’d think having multiple men crushing on you would feel like winning the jackpot, right?
I mean, validation on tap, your pick of attention, all that good stuff. But in reality, it’s often the opposite—confusing, emotionally draining, and sometimes oddly isolating.
As someone who’s worked with clients who find themselves in this position (and let’s be honest, lived it too), I can tell you: it’s not about ego or luxury—it’s about pressure. There’s this weird mix of responsibility and desire that comes into play. The stakes are high, especially when real connection is involved. And here’s the kicker: most of us haven’t been taught how to ethically navigate being the chooser.
So this piece isn’t about flirtation tactics or “picking the hottest one.” It’s about how to choose with clarity and self-respect, in a way that honors both you and the people who care about you. Let’s dig in.
Start with Yourself Before You Look at Them
Why Inner Work is Non-Negotiable
Here’s a pattern I’ve seen over and over, both in sessions and in life: someone has multiple options and rushes to evaluate the men—what they offer, how available they are, how “into you” they seem. But the best decisions? They never start with external assessments. They start with internal clarity.
Think about it—if your lens is smudged with insecurity, unhealed attachment trauma, or even boredom, then no matter how great someone is, your read on them is off. You’re not evaluating them, you’re reacting to you.
Let me give you a real example. A client of mine—we’ll call her Aisha—was choosing between two men. One was emotionally steady but not very expressive. The other was charismatic, intense, a bit chaotic. She kept describing the second guy as “passionate,” but in every session, her body language tensed up when she talked about him. Why? Because passion was masking her unresolved attraction to emotional volatility. Once we dug into her anxious attachment pattern, she realized the calm guy actually made her feel safer—but she’d been subconsciously interpreting that as boring.
So here’s the big takeaway: until you know what drives your attractions, you’re not choosing—you’re reenacting.
Look at Your Attachment Style
This might feel like Attachment Theory 101, but trust me, even experienced therapists and coaches fall into blind spots here. Are you anxiously attached and feeling pulled toward the person who gives you highs and lows? Are you avoidant and dismissing the one who’s too available?
Take a pause and ask: “Am I drawn to this person, or just to the feeling they give me?” Those are not the same.
And hey, attachment styles don’t just show up in who you like—they show up in how you decide. Anxiously attached folks tend to delay decisions out of fear of loss. Avoidant folks tend to make “clean” decisions too quickly so they don’t have to deal with emotional discomfort. Recognizing how your pattern influences your decision-making can completely shift your process.
Get Clear on What Actually Matters to You
Here’s something that surprised me when I did a values inventory years ago: what I thought I valued (wit, ambition, shared interests) wasn’t what actually shaped my best relationships. What mattered more? Emotional steadiness. A capacity for repair. A sense of grounded optimism.
So I started asking clients: “What does being loved well look like for you?” Not in a fantasy Pinterest-board kind of way—but in real moments. When are you most relaxed in a relationship? When do you feel the most you? That’s where your real values live.
Here’s a trick: write down five moments in past relationships where you felt deeply seen or respected. What was happening? What qualities were present? Now compare those to the qualities your current suitors are bringing. That comparison can be so revealing.
Notice What’s Fueling Your Desire
Sometimes we feel pulled toward someone not because they’re aligned with us, but because they’re scratching a particular emotional itch. Maybe one guy gives you the kind of attention you wish your ex had. Maybe another reflects the version of yourself you’re trying to grow into.
This doesn’t mean those desires are wrong. But it does mean you need to disentangle fantasy from reality. And the best way to do that? Ask yourself: “If this person stopped pursuing me today, would I still be interested?” If the answer is no, that’s information.
Also: how do you feel after spending time or talking with each of them? Energized? Confused? Calm? Insecure? That emotional residue tells you way more than any checklist ever could.
Don’t Outsource Your Clarity to Their Behavior
This one’s subtle, but important: when you’re unsure, it’s tempting to lean on how each guy acts to help you decide. “He texts me more often,” or “He introduced me to his friends first.” But when you’re looking for someone to give you a reason to choose them, you’re giving away your power.
I had a colleague say something that stuck with me: “The most loving relationship you’ll ever be in is the one where you’re clearest about yourself.” That means the goal isn’t just to find the best man—it’s to choose the one who’s best aligned with the woman you’re becoming.
When you start from this place—your internal truth—you’re not just “picking.” You’re curating the kind of love you want to live inside of. And that’s a completely different game.
A Real-World Way to Compare the Guys
Now that you’ve got a clearer picture of what’s going on inside you—what drives your attractions, what your values are, how your nervous system reacts to each person—it’s time to actually look at the guys in front of you. But here’s the problem: most people evaluate romantic candidates like they’re shopping online. You scroll through features, check boxes, compare specs… but humans aren’t products. And connection isn’t a spreadsheet.
That said, we still need structure. Otherwise, our brains get overwhelmed and we end up chasing chemistry or convenience instead of compatibility. So instead of using a rigid checklist or falling back on your gut alone (which might be a little biased right now), try a framework that blends head, heart, and body. Below are six areas I use when helping clients navigate this kind of decision—and they’re not about judging who’s “better,” but about seeing who aligns with your specific life.
Emotional Availability
This is one of those buzzwords that gets thrown around so much, people stop really hearing it. So let’s define it in a practical way: Can this person show up with presence, consistency, and honesty—even when it’s uncomfortable? Not just when things are good, but when they’re weird, awkward, or vulnerable.
One woman I worked with, Chloe, was dating two guys—Jake and Adrian. Jake was expressive, affectionate, texted often. Adrian was slower to open up, but when he did, his words matched his actions, and he held space for hard conversations. Chloe realized she’d been interpreting Jake’s affection as emotional availability, but when a tough topic came up, he deflected or shut down. Meanwhile, Adrian leaned in. That distinction changed everything.
So ask: Who makes you feel safe when it’s hard to be vulnerable? Who do you trust to hold your truth without needing to fix it or run from it? That’s the kind of availability that builds relationships, not just flings.
Life Direction and Values
This is less about whether you both like hiking or wine tasting and more about where your compass is pointed. Do you want the same general life shape? Family? Travel? Career intensity? Do you agree on how you’d navigate money, conflict, or aging parents?
These aren’t sexy questions, but they are essential. One client—let’s call her Rina—was choosing between someone wildly exciting but totally non-committal, and someone quieter who was actively building a life she could see herself in. On paper, it looked like a battle between passion and stability. But when she looked through the lens of shared life direction, things got clearer: the first guy was aligned with who she used to be, not who she was becoming.
So instead of asking, “Who’s more fun right now?” try: “Who fits into the life I actually want to live in five years?”
Growth Potential Together
Here’s one that gets overlooked way too often: Do you grow around each other? Do your conversations inspire new insights? Does the relationship invite you to stretch—but not snap?
We often talk about “support” in relationships, but growth is a different beast. Support means they’re there when you fall. Growth means they challenge you to rise. That might look like encouraging you to take a risk you’ve been avoiding, or being honest about your blind spots in a way that feels loving, not critical.
And flip it: do you grow around them? Or do you find yourself shrinking, performing, or keeping things surface-level?
A woman I coached told me she realized her connection with one guy was based on “emotional babysitting.” He leaned on her, admired her strength—but never challenged her intellectually or emotionally. Her relationship with the other guy was more friction-filled, but it sparked real expansion. That contrast helped her make a confident call.
Communication Energy
Forget what they say about communication—how do you actually communicate when things get messy? Not just big fights, but misunderstandings, slow replies, weird silences.
Does the conversation stay open or get shut down? Can you disagree and still stay connected? Is there repair after rupture?
And a subtle one: Does communication feel balanced, or are you doing most of the emotional labor? One person might text more, but the other might actually listen better. One might apologize faster, but the other might take accountability more fully. It’s all in the nuance.
Notice how conflict lands between you. Is there room for repair? Or does it become a game of blame, deflection, or withdrawal?
Physical and Intuitive Chemistry
Let’s not skip this. Attraction matters. Physical connection, body language, energy—it all plays a role. But more importantly, how does your body respond when you’re with them?
Not just butterflies (which can be anxiety in disguise), but things like:
- Can you breathe easily?
- Do you feel grounded or unsteady?
- Is your nervous system relaxed or activated?
One woman I spoke to realized she was mistaking intensity for chemistry. With one guy, she was constantly “on,” always analyzing. With the other, she could exhale. They laughed more. There was play. That relaxed aliveness turned out to be the kind of chemistry she wanted long-term.
Social Ecosystem Fit
This one’s underrated: Do they fit into your world—and do you fit into theirs?
Do your friends like them (not just tolerate them)? Do you like who you are around their people?
If you’ve ever been with someone who made you feel like a stranger in your own life, you know this one cuts deep. Relationships don’t exist in vacuums. They thrive in ecosystems. So pay attention to whether your worlds integrate, or whether you’re constantly code-switching just to keep the peace.
These areas aren’t meant to be a scorecard. They’re conversation starters—with yourself and, if the timing’s right, with the men involved. The goal isn’t to rank them, but to recognize alignment. Clarity doesn’t always feel dramatic—but it’s solid. It’s quiet confidence. And when you feel it, you’ll know.
How to Choose Without Losing Your Mind
Let’s be real—by the time you’ve gotten to this point, you’re probably tired. Emotionally tired. Decision-fatigued. Maybe even afraid of making the wrong choice and regretting it later. That’s completely human. But here’s the truth: you can’t avoid the emotional weight of choosing—you can only learn to carry it with grace.
Here’s how to move through this part without burning out, ghosting everyone, or spiraling in your head for weeks.
Get Honest About Your Energy
If you’re exhausted, irritable, or numb from the decision-making pressure, pause. Don’t rush the process just because you “should’ve figured it out by now.” That urgency? It’s probably not your intuition—it’s anxiety pretending to be insight.
One client I worked with delayed making a choice for months, not because she was unclear, but because she was emotionally fried. We had to slow it down, give her a two-week dating sabbatical, and then revisit things. That space helped her come back with a clear nervous system and a better sense of what she wanted.
Don’t Ghost. Communicate Even If You’re Unsure
You don’t need to give everyone your final answer right away. But don’t disappear out of indecision either. Silence becomes its own kind of signal—and it often leaves the other person holding emotional confusion that belongs to you.
Try something like:
“Hey, I’m taking some space to sort out what I really want—not just with you, but with myself. I care about how this unfolds, so I want to be clear and intentional, even if it takes a minute.”
That kind of transparency not only builds trust—it builds your own integrity.
Choose When You’re Calm, Not When You’re High or Guilty
You know those moments when you’re feeling super validated by one guy? Or guilty because the other just did something really sweet? Those are not the times to make a final call. Emotions are data, but they’re also weather. They pass.
Choose when you’re grounded. That usually means post-journal, post-walk, post-cry. Make your decision from a place of steadiness, not emotional whiplash.
Watch Out for the “Backup Plan” Trap
Sometimes we’re tempted to keep one guy “just in case” the other doesn’t work out. That might feel pragmatic, but it’s usually self-protection in disguise. And it’s unfair—to both of them and to you. Because part of clarity is committing to your choice fully, even if it’s scary.
You can’t enter into real intimacy with one foot in the exit. If you’re choosing someone, choose them with your whole heart—not as an insurance policy.
Don’t Look for a Perfect Answer—Look for Peace
You’re not going to get a “100% this is the right choice” feeling. That’s a myth. What you’re looking for is alignment. A sense of peace, ease, curiosity. A quieter yes. Something that feels solid, not necessarily thrilling.
That’s what long-term connection is built on—not butterflies, but bricks.
Let Your People Reflect You Back to Yourself
If you’re truly stuck, bring in your trusted crew. Not the peanut gallery. I’m talking about the one or two people who actually know your patterns, your growth edge, and your heart. Ask them what they see. Often, we can’t see the picture when we’re inside the frame.
And sometimes, they’ll reflect back something beautiful—like how you light up when you talk about one of the guys. Or how you go quiet when you mention the other. That’s valuable intel.
Choosing between multiple people isn’t just a dating decision—it’s a self-definition moment. You’re not just asking, “Who do I want?” You’re also asking, “Who am I when I’m loved this way?”
And once you get that answer… the choice becomes a whole lot simpler.
Final Thoughts
Being the person everyone wants doesn’t mean the choice is easy—it just means you’ve got options. And options don’t mean power unless you bring presence, discernment, and clarity to the table.
Choosing between multiple men who are into you is ultimately about choosing yourself first—the self you’ve worked to know, trust, and honor. Once you do that, the rest? It tends to sort itself out.
And hey, love that’s built on self-respect? That’s the kind that lasts.
