Why Do Narcissists Like To Put Everyone Down?
Have you ever noticed how some people seem to always find a way to put others down? I’m not just talking about the occasional teasing—we all joke around sometimes.
I’m talking about those folks who seem to need to make others feel small. More often than not, this comes from narcissists.
Now, here’s the thing—narcissists aren’t always the loud, arrogant people we picture in movies. Sometimes they’re charming, funny, or even super successful. But behind all that, there’s usually a shaky self-esteem. And one of the ways they keep that fragile ego intact is by cutting others down. It’s like they’re saying, “If you look bad, then I look better.”
The question is—why do they do this?
What’s going on underneath the surface that makes putting others down such a go-to move for them? Let’s dig into that.
Why narcissists need to knock people down
When you peel back the layers of narcissistic behavior, what you find isn’t unshakable confidence—it’s insecurity. That’s the part most people miss. We assume someone who struts around acting like they’re better than everyone else must feel that way inside. But here’s the twist: narcissists often feel deeply inadequate. Their confidence is more like a costume than a core belief.
A shaky sense of self
Imagine someone building a house on sand instead of concrete. From a distance, the house looks solid. But one storm, one wave, and the whole thing feels like it might collapse. That’s how a narcissist’s self-image works. They depend on constant external validation—praise, admiration, respect—to keep the “house” standing. Without it, their insecurities creep in.
So when someone else shines—maybe you get a promotion, someone compliments your new look, or you share a cool achievement—it feels like a threat to them. Instead of celebrating with you, they’ll try to poke holes in your moment: “That job isn’t that big a deal,” or “Yeah, but anyone could’ve done that.” By dragging you down, they stop themselves from feeling lower by comparison.
Defense against feeling weak
It’s not just about envy. It’s also about protection. A narcissist putting you down is like a porcupine showing its quills—it’s a reflexive defense. Deep inside, they’re scared of being seen as less-than. So they flip the script: if they highlight your flaws, nobody notices theirs.
For example, think of that boss who can’t resist pointing out your tiny mistakes in front of everyone. You turn in a report that’s 99% perfect, and they zoom straight in on the one typo. Why? Because your competence makes them uncomfortable. If they let your good work shine, they might look less impressive. By criticizing, they regain the upper hand.
The power game
Let’s not forget—putting people down also creates a sense of control. Narcissists thrive on power dynamics. When you feel small, uncertain, or embarrassed, they feel big. That “one-up, one-down” dynamic keeps them feeling secure.
Think about it like a seesaw. If you go up, they go down—and they can’t stand that. So they keep pushing your side down, ensuring they stay up. That might sound childish, but that’s essentially the emotional game at play.
Real-life scenarios you might recognize
Let me give you a few examples that make this clearer:
- A narcissistic friend hears you’re trying out a new hobby. Instead of cheering you on, they say something like, “Oh, that’s cute. But you’ll probably get bored of it.” They’re planting seeds of doubt so you don’t feel too good about yourself.
- At family gatherings, maybe there’s that relative who always has to one-up you. You say you went on a trip, they talk about their trip that was longer, more exotic, or more expensive. You share something you’re proud of, and they’ll casually dismiss it or change the subject.
- In relationships, some narcissists will nitpick constantly—how you dress, how you cook, even how you laugh. It keeps you second-guessing yourself, which makes them feel in control.
The bigger picture
What’s wild is that many narcissists don’t even fully realize they’re doing this. It’s become such a natural habit that they see it as normal. They may genuinely believe they’re just being “honest” or “helpful.” But if you look closely, the pattern is clear: their comments are rarely about helping you grow. They’re about keeping themselves elevated.
And here’s the kicker—because their self-esteem is so fragile, they need to keep doing this over and over. It’s like a leaky bucket. No matter how much validation they get, it never feels like enough, so they keep filling it by taking from others.
At the end of the day, the put-downs aren’t really about you. They’re about them trying desperately to hold themselves together. Once you see it that way, it changes the way you react. Instead of internalizing their criticism, you start to recognize it as a reflection of their own battles.
How narcissists try to make you feel small
If you’ve ever dealt with a narcissist, you know their put-downs don’t always come as obvious insults. Sometimes it’s more sneaky—wrapped up in jokes, comparisons, or even compliments. That’s why it can feel so confusing. You walk away thinking, “Wait, was that a compliment or a dig?”
Let’s break down some of the most common ways narcissists try to keep people off balance. I’ll share examples too, because I bet you’ve seen a few of these in action.
Insults disguised as jokes
This one is classic. Narcissists love making fun of you in ways they can later brush off as “just kidding.” For example, you show up in a new outfit and they go, “Wow, bold choice! Not sure I’d wear that, but hey, you do you!”
On the surface, it’s framed as playful. But notice what they did? They slipped in disapproval and left you feeling self-conscious. If you call them out, they’ll say you’re being too sensitive. That way, they get to sting you and avoid accountability.
Constant comparisons
Narcissists thrive on competition—even when nobody else is competing. They’ll compare your accomplishments, looks, or choices to someone else’s in a way that leaves you feeling second-best.
Imagine you tell them you got a promotion at work. Instead of saying, “That’s amazing, congrats!” they respond with, “Oh, well Sarah got promoted to director last month, so…” Suddenly your win doesn’t feel like much of a win. They use comparisons to shrink your joy and keep themselves feeling superior.
Gaslighting
This one’s a heavy hitter. Gaslighting is when someone makes you doubt your own memory, perception, or reality. Narcissists are masters at it because it keeps you unsteady.
Say you bring up something hurtful they said. They’ll flip it around: “I never said that, you must be imagining things,” or “You’re twisting my words again.” Over time, this makes you question your own judgment. And once they’ve got you doubting yourself, they hold all the power.
Magnifying flaws
Narcissists love zooming in on your mistakes or imperfections. Maybe you misspeak during a meeting and they won’t let it go, making jokes about it for days. Or they point out small physical features in a way that makes you feel exposed: “You always look tired, are you sure you’re getting enough sleep?”
These comments aren’t random. They’re designed to chip away at your confidence so they can feel taller by comparison.
Backhanded compliments
Ah, the backhanded compliment—half praise, half jab. It sounds flattering at first, until you hear the sting in the second half.
Examples:
- “You’re actually smarter than you look.”
- “Not bad for someone your age.”
- “That’s impressive, considering where you came from.”
See how it works? They get to sound polite while sneaking in the dig. It leaves you unsure whether to say “thank you” or defend yourself.
Playing the victim
Here’s one you might not think of right away: some narcissists put others down by flipping the script and painting themselves as the victim. They’ll make your success seem like an attack on them.
For instance, you’re proud of hitting a fitness milestone, and they sigh and say, “Well, must be nice to have all that free time. I guess some of us just can’t afford that.” Suddenly, your achievement feels selfish instead of something worth celebrating.
Withholding praise or affection
Sometimes, putting you down isn’t about what they say—it’s about what they don’t say. Narcissists may withhold praise, affection, or acknowledgment as a way to keep you chasing their approval.
Say you work hard on a project or dress up for an event, and they don’t acknowledge it at all. That silence speaks volumes. It makes you crave their recognition, which gives them power.
Why these tactics work
All these behaviors have one thing in common: they create doubt. Doubt in yourself, doubt in your choices, doubt in how others see you. And when you’re doubting yourself, you’re less likely to challenge them. That keeps the narcissist feeling safe and superior.
It’s like a magician’s trick—they distract you with smoke and mirrors so you don’t notice what’s really going on. The “magic” isn’t real. The insults, comparisons, or manipulations aren’t actually about you. They’re strategies to protect their shaky ego.
Once you start recognizing these patterns, it’s like turning the lights on in a dark room. Suddenly, their tricks don’t feel so mysterious anymore. And that’s where your power comes back—you can see it for what it is.
What drives this behavior
Now that we’ve covered the tactics, let’s dig into why narcissists rely on them. What’s happening under the surface that makes putting people down their go-to move?
The need to feel dominant
At the heart of narcissism is a deep need for control. Narcissists often believe that if they’re not on top, they’re nothing. So they keep pushing others down to secure their position.
Think of it like a ladder. In their mind, if you climb a rung, they must have lost one. So they’ll push you down a step to keep themselves “above.” It’s not about fairness—it’s about their survival strategy.
Hiding their insecurity
Here’s something important: narcissists don’t want anyone to see how insecure they really feel. That’s terrifying to them. So what do they do? They build walls made of criticism and arrogance.
If they can convince others they’re the smartest, strongest, or most capable person in the room, maybe nobody will notice their cracks. It’s like a stage actor desperately hoping the audience never sees behind the curtain.
Protecting their fragile self-image
Narcissists carry a very fragile sense of self. Even small things can feel like huge threats. A casual comment like “Oh, I loved how Sam presented that idea” might feel to them like, “Sam is better than you.”
So, they act fast—maybe by making a joke at Sam’s expense or finding a flaw in Sam’s work. By doing that, they patch up the tiny hole in their ego before it turns into a flood.
Gaining validation
Another big driver is validation. Narcissists crave it like oxygen. If they can put you down and others laugh along, that’s validation. If they criticize you and you change your behavior to please them, that’s validation.
It confirms their power. It shows them they still have influence. And to someone whose self-worth is shaky, that influence feels like proof they matter.
Keeping others dependent
Here’s a sneaky part: narcissists often want people to depend on them. If they can convince you that you’re not good enough on your own, you’re more likely to stick around. You’ll look to them for approval, guidance, or reassurance.
That dependency keeps the narcissist in the driver’s seat. It’s not about love or support—it’s about control disguised as connection.
Quick summary of their motives
To wrap this up, here are the main reasons narcissists put others down:
- To stay dominant and in control
- To hide their insecurities
- To protect their fragile self-image
- To gather validation and proof of their worth
- To keep people dependent on them
When you lay it all out, it makes sense—even if it’s frustrating to deal with. Narcissists aren’t lashing out randomly. Their behavior follows a logic rooted in fear and self-preservation.
And while you can’t change their motives, you can change how you respond once you understand them. Knowledge really is power here.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists put people down not because they’re strong, but because they’re fragile. Every insult, every backhanded compliment, every comparison—it’s all a way to hold their shaky self-esteem together.
The more you recognize the patterns, the less power they have over you. You start to see their comments as mirrors reflecting their insecurities, not your worth. And that shift? It’s freeing.
At the end of the day, you don’t have to carry the weight of their words. Their put-downs belong to them—not to you.
