40 Funny Messages to Write in a Christmas Card

Alright, let’s get one thing straight: if you’re getting a Christmas card from me, it’s because the universe has given me this once-a-year opportunity to be festive and judgmental at the same time. 

You know I can’t pass that up. Now, I could go all traditional with “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,” but where’s the fun in that? We’ve survived another year of questionable life choices, forgotten birthdays, and your terrible taste in Netflix recommendations. 

So buckle up, because you’re not just getting a card this year; you’re getting a seasonal roast and a sprinkle of sarcastic love—served with all the holiday cheer I can muster.

I’ve come up with a list of funny Christmas messages that will make you laugh, cry, or reconsider our friendship entirely. Or maybe all three! 

So grab your eggnog, prepare to question why you’re still friends with me, and let’s dive into the season’s most inappropriate holiday wishes. You’re welcome.

Funny Messages to Write on a Christmas Card

1. It’s that time of year again – time to dig out that questionable Christmas sweater, eat too many cookies, and pretend you totally love the fruitcake Aunt Martha sends you every year. May your holiday season be filled with family members who only stay a short while, gifts you actually want, and enough eggnog to make the holidays merry and bright. Merry Christmas!

2. Santa’s making his list, checking it twice… and if he’s anything like me, he’s forgetting half the items and adding things he already did just to cross them off. Wishing you a holiday filled with laughter, good food, and the hope that Santa brings everything you asked for and nothing from last year’s “regifting” pile!

3. Merry Christmas! Here’s hoping that your festive season is as warm as the holiday sweaters we know you own, as sweet as the dessert table we know you’ll hover over, and as bright as all the Christmas lights your neighbors put up in competition. May the calories not count and the New Year’s resolutions start later than usual!

4. Christmas is that magical time of year when our homes smell like pine trees, our hearts are full of love, and our wallets are suddenly much emptier. May your Christmas be filled with everything you love – including more money left over than I managed this year. Happy holidays, and let’s hope Santa brings a bigger budget next year!

5. ‘Tis the season for ugly sweaters, endless carols, and one too many glasses of holiday cheer! May your Christmas be as cheesy as a Hallmark movie, as fun as a Christmas party that lasts all night, and as calorie-free as all the cookies I know we’re both going to eat anyway. Cheers to a merry, merry Christmas!

6. Merry Christmas! May your days be filled with family drama (the funny kind), lights that only occasionally stop working, and presents that you don’t need to return. May the holiday spirit last longer than your post-Christmas nap and your patience hold out until everyone has left. Have a hilariously joyful Christmas!

7. Wishing you a Christmas filled with laughter, family, and just the right amount of awkward small talk with distant relatives. May you dodge all nosy questions, keep the kids away from your perfectly wrapped presents, and stay sane through the whole holiday marathon. Enjoy every moment and every cookie!

8. It’s Christmas! The time of year when we fill our homes with relatives, eat a ridiculous amount of chocolate, and are somehow always a little surprised by the arrival of January bills. May your holiday be cozy, your gifts be great, and your tolerance for holiday jingles be just high enough. Merry Christmas!

9. Sending you a warm and slightly sarcastic Christmas wish: may your in-laws be easygoing, your presents perfectly match your wish list, and may you not have to hide in the bathroom to avoid awkward family conversations. Cheers to a merry holiday and all the best for a slightly less chaotic new year!

10. Here’s to a Christmas that’s as wonderful and weird as all our best memories combined. May your holiday be filled with love, laughter, and zero phone calls to customer service about why the Christmas lights won’t stay on. Enjoy the magic, the mystery, and the occasional mishap – Merry Christmas!

11. Merry Christmas! May your holidays be as organized as Santa’s gift list, as joyful as a reindeer on a snow day, and as surprising as finding an actual gift card balance in a stocking. Wishing you a season filled with laughter, a little chaos, and just the right amount of holiday drama!

12. Here’s to the only time of year when “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus” isn’t totally weird! May your season be as magical as that mystery, your New Year start with a bang, and may you survive the holidays with your sanity intact and only a minor fruitcake incident. Cheers to the festivities!

13. Merry Christmas! May the only snowstorm be outside, may the cookies be calorie-free, and may you avoid being stuck under the mistletoe with that one family member who just loves to smooch. Here’s to an enjoyable, laughter-filled, drama-free holiday – as if that’s even possible!

14. Christmas wishes coming your way for a holiday that’s more delicious than Grandma’s famous fruitcake (but with a lot less chewing involved). May you dodge wrapping paper cuts, find batteries for all the toys, and get through all the gift receipts without needing a nap. Happy Holidays!

15. Christmas: that magical time of year when we drink hot cocoa, eat way too many sweets, and pretend it’s not a little weird that we have trees indoors. May your days be merry, your waistline forgiven, and your family as wonderfully quirky as ever. Have a wonderfully weird Christmas!

16. Wishing you all the Christmas cheer with none of the burnt cookies! May Santa bring you all the goodies, may your tree stay upright, and may you avoid every holiday cliché (except the funny ones). Here’s to a season of laughter, love, and just enough holiday chaos to keep it interesting!

17. May your Christmas be full of the good kind of surprises (like unexpected gifts) and none of the bad ones (like tangled lights and surprise visits from nosy relatives). May your holiday be as bright as Rudolph’s nose on a foggy night. Cheers to a hilariously merry Christmas!

18. Merry Christmas! May your season be like a Christmas movie marathon: predictable in all the best ways, with a heartwarming ending, and just enough plot twists to keep you entertained. Here’s to hot cocoa, cookies, and more laughs than you know what to do with!

19. Here’s hoping Santa brings you everything you want, and nothing that makes you wonder if he even read your list. May your holiday be as sweet as candy canes, as bright as holiday lights, and as filled with laughter as a Christmas party that gets just a little too festive. Happy Holidays!

20. Merry Christmas! May you eat so many holiday treats that your New Year’s resolutions get a head start. May your tree stay upright, your lights untangled, and your patience strong enough to handle all your “favorite” family members. Wishing you all the holiday chaos and joy you can handle!

21. Christmas is here – time for festive fun, endless eggnog, and gifts that you probably didn’t even ask for! May your holiday be filled with joy, laughter, and the kind of memories that don’t need a filter to make them unforgettable. Have a very merry (and slightly silly) Christmas!

22. ‘Tis the season to sparkle, snack, and survive endless rounds of “Jingle Bells.” May your holidays be as dazzling as the lights, as sweet as the cookies, and as satisfying as seeing someone else handle the Christmas cleanup. Enjoy every merry, messy moment!

23. May your Christmas be merry and bright, and your family drama kept to a minimum. Here’s to a holiday where every gift is just right, every party ends at a reasonable hour, and all the Christmas lights actually work the first time. Wishing you laughter, love, and just a bit of peace and quiet!

24. Merry Christmas! May your holiday season be filled with everything you love – and none of those last-minute trips to the mall! May your ugly sweaters be iconic, your carols off-key but heartfelt, and your Christmas spirit as unbreakable as Aunt Susan’s fruitcake. Enjoy the season!

25. Wishing you a holiday season that’s as over-the-top as the neighbor’s yard decorations, as sweet as your grandma’s cookies, and as funny as Uncle Bob’s annual Christmas sweater reveal. Here’s to laughter, love, and a bit of controlled holiday chaos. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

26. Merry Christmas! May your holiday be as cozy as your favorite pair of pajamas, as indulgent as a second helping of dessert, and as magical as a kid who still believes Santa can fit down a chimney. Here’s to a season of joy, questionable fashion choices, and one-too-many eggnogs!

27. Wishing you a Christmas filled with all the magic you loved as a kid – plus all the adult beverages you need to handle the holidays! May your holiday season be as hilarious as a family game night, as sweet as sugar cookies, and as peaceful as that moment after everyone leaves!

28. Here’s to a holiday filled with all the joys and none of the jingle bell annoyances! May your house be full of laughter, your belly full of treats, and your social media feed full of pictures that prove you survived another Christmas with the family. Happy Holidays!

29. Christmas is that magical time of year when we make gingerbread houses that won’t hold together, cookies that we eat too soon, and plans to be “good” next year. May your holiday be as delightfully chaotic and full of laughter as ever. Merry Christmas!

30. Wishing you a Christmas so merry that even the Grinch would be jealous. May your holiday bring fewer tangled lights, perfect gifts without receipts, and just enough gingerbread to make it all sweet. Here’s to family, fun, and avoiding all awkward mistletoe moments!

31. Merry Christmas! May your season be as sparkly as tinsel, as loud as a family dinner, and as cozy as a fireplace (or a holiday movie marathon). Here’s hoping Santa brings everything on your list – and no last-minute trips to the store. Enjoy the holiday magic!

32. Christmas is here, and it’s time to wrap, sip, and pretend you didn’t eat half the candy canes. May your season be full of holiday cheer, warm cocoa, and none of those strange fruitcakes no one actually likes. Here’s to a truly merry holiday!

33. Here’s to the holidays – that one time of year when we gather, exchange gifts, and secretly hope we don’t get socks. May your season be full of gifts you love, treats that are calorie-free (in theory), and just the right amount of holiday “crazy.” Merry Christmas!

34. Sending you Christmas wishes as warm as your favorite holiday sweater and as joyful as finding the perfect gift… for yourself. May the holiday cheer be real, the family drama be minimal, and your Christmas morning full of the presents you actually asked for. Happy Holidays!

35. Merry Christmas! May your season be like a snow day: full of cozy moments, snacks, and zero responsibilities. Here’s to cookies that don’t burn, gift-wrap that doesn’t tear, and all the laughs you can handle. Wishing you a joyful, stress-free holiday!

36. Christmas is when calories don’t count, “just one more cookie” is encouraged, and family photos are hilariously awkward. May your holiday be as memorable as a family road trip – but with better snacks and fewer pit stops. Have a wonderfully merry Christmas!

37. Here’s to the season of shiny lights, big smiles, and way too many leftovers. May your holidays be so filled with joy that even the tinsel feels envious. And remember: calories don’t count in December. Merry Christmas and enjoy every sweet, silly moment!

38. Merry Christmas! May your holiday be brighter than Rudolph’s nose, cozier than a mug of hot cocoa, and funnier than Grandma’s dance moves at the Christmas party. Here’s to laughter, joy, and memories that you’ll laugh about all year long!

39. Wishing you a holiday season that’s as satisfying as finally getting the star on top of the tree without a ladder! May your Christmas be filled with laughter, peace, and family members who remember to say thank you for their gifts this year. Cheers to the festivities!

40. Christmas is all about eating cookies guilt-free and wondering why every relative has a slightly different version of the same story. May your holiday be filled with traditions, laughter, and none of the dishes you’ll end up washing. Merry Christmas to you and yours!