What Narcissists Do to Feel Powerful
Power is intoxicating.
But for narcissists, it’s not just a thrill—it’s oxygen. Without it, they feel like they’re suffocating. I’ve found that narcissistic individuals don’t just want to feel powerful—they need to.
It’s central to how they regulate their emotions, maintain a sense of identity, and avoid psychological collapse.
This isn’t just about egos getting too big. It’s about a constant, fragile balancing act between self-inflation and emotional disintegration.
When we frame narcissism purely as a desire for admiration, we risk missing the deeper compulsion to feel dominant in order to ward off shame, worthlessness, and invisibility.
That drive toward power—psychological, social, relational—isn’t random. It’s strategic and often deeply patterned.
In this blog, I want to walk you through how that inner system works. Not just what narcissists do, but why they do it—and why it works so well for them, at least temporarily.
How Narcissists Build the Illusion of Power
The inner split between real and ideal self
At the heart of narcissism is a painful contradiction: narcissists often feel internally inadequate, but present a grandiose, idealized self to the world. That grandiose self isn’t just vanity—it’s a defensive structure. It acts like a psychological exoskeleton, shielding them from feelings they can’t tolerate: vulnerability, dependency, shame, insignificance.
This idealized image is not an optional accessory. It’s a requirement. Think of it like armor—they have to keep wearing it or risk emotional exposure.
That’s why narcissists are often hypersensitive to any perceived slight or challenge. You’re not just hurting their feelings; you’re poking a hole in their armor.
Power as emotional regulation
Here’s where it gets interesting. Power isn’t just a goal—it’s a coping mechanism. When narcissists feel powerful, they also feel safe. That sense of control, dominance, or superiority helps regulate the overwhelming feelings underneath.
I once worked with a client—let’s call him A.—who had a high-powered job and an immaculate image. But the minute he wasn’t in control of a conversation, you could see the panic creep in. He’d interrupt, dominate, or shift topics entirely—anything to reclaim psychological footing. He didn’t want power for its own sake; he needed it to avoid feeling helpless.
So, in a way, power becomes like an emotional EpiPen. The moment shame or weakness shows up, power gets injected into the situation—whether through manipulation, aggression, or charisma.
The hunt for narcissistic supply
I know this one’s familiar territory, but it’s worth re-examining. Narcissistic supply—admiration, attention, status, even fear—isn’t just about ego-boosting. It’s more functional than that. These supplies validate the narcissist’s constructed self-image.
Think of it like scaffolding. Admiration reinforces their sense of being exceptional. Envy from others confirms their superiority. Even negative attention (like someone reacting emotionally to their provocation) gives them a sense of impact—which is power.
I’ve seen people mistake narcissists for being “needy,” and technically, they are—but only for specific emotional nutrients that reinforce dominance. It’s not intimacy they’re after—it’s elevation.
Hyper-awareness of pecking orders
Ever notice how narcissists are weirdly obsessed with hierarchy, even in casual settings? They’ll size up everyone in a room, figure out who’s most influential, then either charm them or cut them down. It’s not paranoia—it’s strategy.
They’re constantly scanning the landscape for power dynamics because their self-worth depends on being at the top (or at least not at the bottom).
I had a colleague who’d instantly change his demeanor depending on who walked into the meeting. If it was the CEO, he was warm and witty. If it was an intern? Cold and dismissive. Same person, different perceived power value. It wasn’t mood—it was status sensitivity.
This constant recalibration lets narcissists keep feeling powerful, even if it means switching tactics from dominance to charm to victimhood within minutes.
They don’t want connection—they want control
I can’t stress this enough: what narcissists seek in relationships isn’t closeness, it’s leverage. Relationships are tools. You might think you’re bonding with them, but behind the scenes, they’re often calculating: “How much do I matter to this person? What can I extract from this? How can I stay in control?”
This is why many narcissists engage in love-bombing early on. It’s not genuine intimacy—it’s a fast track to dependency. Once you’re hooked, they feel more in control. The minute you stop responding the way they want? They either discard you or start destabilizing you to get back that power.
Again, it’s not random cruelty—it’s control maintenance.
Power over authenticity
Finally, it’s worth saying: many narcissists would rather feel powerful than be known. Vulnerability feels like weakness to them. That’s why attempts at empathy or deep emotional conversation often backfire—they see it as an invitation to lose control, and that’s terrifying.
So instead of showing real feelings, they’ll double down on superiority, or shift the conversation to your flaws. Because in their world, the only safe place to stand is on top of someone else.
This is where we, as clinicians or observers, need to be careful. Interpreting these behaviors as pure malice misses the deeper truth: for many narcissists, power isn’t indulgence—it’s survival. And once you see that, their behaviors, however damaging, start to make a different kind of sense.
What Narcissists Do to Feel Powerful
We’ve looked at the inner engine that drives narcissists—the emotional structure, the fear of insignificance, the obsession with control. But that architecture wouldn’t work without actions to support it. Now we’re getting into the meat of things: what narcissists actually do to keep themselves feeling powerful. These are the moves, the tactics, the little (and big) behaviors that show up in everyday interactions, whether it’s in a romantic relationship, at work, or online.
Now, I know you’ve seen many of these before—but I want to highlight not just the what, but the why behind each one. Think of this section like a toolkit of power-seeking behaviors, with each entry showing how narcissists use it to stabilize their internal world.
Gaslighting
You knew this one was coming. But let’s go deeper.
Gaslighting isn’t just about being manipulative—it’s about rewriting reality to preserve power. When a narcissist gaslights someone (“That never happened,” “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re imagining things”), they’re not just trying to win an argument. They’re trying to reset the emotional playing field. They’re saying: I get to define reality here, not you.
By making someone question their memory or judgment, the narcissist gains psychological territory. That disorientation isn’t a side effect—it’s the point. Because if you’re unsure of yourself, they’re back in control.
Triangulation
This one’s underrated. Triangulation is when narcissists bring in a third party—real or imagined—to stir the pot. They might say, “Even Sarah thinks you’re overreacting,” or “You should be more like David—he doesn’t get upset over little things.”
Why do this? Because it creates competition for approval. It shifts attention and destabilizes the other person, making them more eager to please, more insecure, and easier to manipulate.
It also reinforces the narcissist’s role as the ultimate judge. They are the one everyone wants to impress. They get to decide who’s valuable.
Bragging and Name-Dropping
Sometimes narcissists don’t manipulate others directly—they just inflate themselves. That’s why you’ll see the excessive bragging, the unsolicited résumés in casual conversations, the relentless name-dropping.
This isn’t just arrogance—it’s identity maintenance. The more they remind others of their achievements, associations, or superiority, the more real that illusion becomes. And let’s not forget, the audience doesn’t have to be impressed—the narcissist just needs to believe that someone might be.
I once had a client who’d casually drop that he “chatted with Elon once” in almost every session. When I asked him why it mattered so much, he shrugged. “People listen more when you’ve been around important people.” Exactly. For him, proximity to power was power.
The Silent Treatment
When narcissists go cold, it’s not always rage—it’s strategy. The silent treatment isn’t passive aggression, it’s psychological withdrawal of currency. The message is: You need me more than I need you.
By refusing to engage, they trigger anxiety in the other person. That anxiety often leads the other person to apologize, backpedal, or try harder. Which, of course, puts the narcissist right back in control.
Controlling the Rules
Ever notice how narcissists often set up arbitrary conditions? “If you really cared, you’d do XYZ.” “I’ll only talk to you if you calm down.” “You need to earn my respect.”
This isn’t boundary-setting—it’s gatekeeping disguised as values. They create shifting rules so they always get to move the goalposts. It ensures they remain the authority in the relationship—they decide what’s acceptable, who’s worthy, and when resolution happens.
Public Devaluation
Narcissists often use public put-downs—not because they hate the person, but because it reasserts dominance in front of an audience. It could be a snide comment in a meeting, a backhanded compliment at a party, or a sarcastic jab on social media.
These moments send a message: Don’t forget who’s in charge. And the public nature of the attack makes it harder for the other person to push back without looking “too sensitive.”
Performing Altruism
Sometimes narcissists weaponize kindness. They’ll donate to a cause, help a friend, or play the savior—but only if it earns them admiration or moral leverage.
This “I’m such a good person” act isn’t genuine generosity—it’s reputation management. And if you question their motives? They’ll often become defensive or cruel—because, again, you’re poking at the fantasy of superiority.
Using Intimacy as Leverage
In close relationships, narcissists often gather personal information, only to later use it for power. They’ll remember your insecurities, your traumas, your weak spots—and bring them up when you’re vulnerable or resisting control.
It’s not always direct. Sometimes it’s subtle: “You’re acting just like your dad again,” or “I guess your fear of abandonment is making you overreact.” On the surface, it sounds psychological. Underneath? It’s a power play in the language of intimacy.
Projecting Insecurity
Narcissists are often guilty of the very things they accuse others of. They’ll say you’re selfish, you’re manipulative, you’re desperate for attention—when in fact, those are their own traits.
Projection works because it confuses the other person and diverts scrutiny. If you’re busy defending yourself, you’re no longer examining them. Again, they stay in control of the narrative.
Microaggressions and Small Power Plays
These are the tiny behaviors that fly under the radar: interrupting you repeatedly, correcting your pronunciation, rolling their eyes when you speak. Each one is minor on its own—but together, they create a feeling of disempowerment.
And that’s the goal. Narcissists use these micro-moves to chip away at others’ confidence, making it easier to dominate without open conflict.
Why Narcissistic Power Grabs Sometimes Work
Let’s talk about why these behaviors actually succeed. Why do people fall for it? Why don’t we all just call it out when we see it?
Because narcissistic power tactics are socially reinforced. We live in a culture that often rewards confidence, dominance, even cruelty—so long as it’s charismatic. Narcissists thrive in systems that mistake manipulation for leadership, emotional detachment for strength, and performance for authenticity.
Our cultural blind spots
We tend to admire people who “own the room,” who speak with certainty, who never seem rattled. Narcissists know this and adapt accordingly. They often mimic these traits so well that we confuse their survival strategy for real confidence.
That’s why narcissistic power grabs often go unchecked—they fit within our social scripts. Someone who interrupts a lot? “He’s assertive.” Someone who gaslights? “She’s just really persuasive.” It’s not until we’re personally affected that we start questioning it.
Power as a social anesthetic
Another reason these behaviors work: they numb people. If you’re constantly being triangulated, judged, or manipulated, you eventually start to doubt your instincts. That self-doubt makes it easier to comply, harder to challenge, and way harder to leave.
I’ve heard countless stories of people who were fully aware that something was off, but stayed in toxic dynamics because the narcissist made them feel small just enough to question themselves.
That’s not weakness—that’s psychological erosion. Narcissists wear people down through repeated boundary testing, emotional invalidation, and calculated praise.
The charm-discard cycle
Early interactions with narcissists often feel electric. They mirror your values, celebrate your strengths, and make you feel uniquely chosen. That honeymoon period isn’t fake—it’s curated.
Once they’ve established emotional leverage, they pivot. That’s when control sets in. They might become critical, distant, or moody. But the memory of that initial charm makes people chase after it, thinking they just need to “fix” something.
This push-pull cycle creates a kind of emotional addiction. The occasional validation acts like a hit of dopamine. The unpredictability of affection keeps people hooked.
Power becomes contagious
Narcissists often surround themselves with people who boost their sense of power—either through admiration or submission. Over time, this power becomes its own ecosystem. And here’s the twist: some people start to enjoy being close to it.
There’s a kind of social safety in aligning with someone who appears dominant. People rationalize it—“Sure, he’s harsh, but he gets results,” or “She’s intense, but she’s brilliant.” In these dynamics, people trade autonomy for proximity to power. And narcissists know it.
The illusion of competence
A big part of narcissistic influence comes from their ability to perform competence. They speak in absolutes, act decisively, and rarely show doubt. This creates the illusion that they know what they’re doing—even when they don’t.
In group settings, especially corporate ones, this confidence is often mistaken for competence. And by the time people realize the substance is lacking, the narcissist has already moved on—or blamed someone else.
Why the system rarely fights back
Here’s the truth: most environments are conflict-avoidant. Calling out narcissistic tactics requires clarity, courage, and confrontation. Most people prefer to quietly disengage or make excuses rather than create tension.
This silence acts as reinforcement. Narcissists interpret lack of resistance as validation—and double down. In this sense, the system not only tolerates narcissistic power grabs, it often protects them.
Final Thoughts
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from working with, observing, and sometimes even falling for narcissistic power tactics, it’s this: narcissists aren’t just power-hungry—they’re power-dependent. Their entire emotional architecture leans on feeling dominant, superior, or untouchable. And the moment that illusion cracks, everything inside them threatens to collapse.
That doesn’t excuse the harm they cause. But it does explain the compulsiveness behind their actions.
Understanding this doesn’t just help us deal with narcissists better—it helps us understand how power itself is used, abused, and misread in our relationships, workplaces, and communities. And maybe, just maybe, it reminds us to value connection over control. Always.
