What Is Hoovering and How Narcissists Try to Pull You Back
If you’ve worked with narcissistic clients or survivors of narcissistic abuse for any length of time, you’ve seen hoovering in action. It’s not just a random reach-out after a breakup — it’s a calculated move, rooted deep in the narcissist’s drive to maintain control and access to supply.
Hoovering typically happens after the discard phase or when the target has managed to create distance. The narcissist senses that their supply is slipping away — and suddenly, the charm, apologies, or urgent “need to talk” appear.
But here’s where it gets interesting: hoovering isn’t about relationship repair. It’s about supply regulation and avoiding narcissistic injury. The narcissist may not even be fully conscious of these motives — but their psyche is wired for self-preservation through external validation.
For us as practitioners, understanding this dynamic helps us decode why survivors feel so torn — and why hoovering can trigger deep confusion, even after months of no contact.
How Hoovering Works (And Why It’s So Effective)
It’s About Supply, Not Love
One of the first things I emphasize when working with clients is that hoovering isn’t about genuine connection. It’s an attempt to re-establish access to the narcissistic supply the target once provided: admiration, attention, emotional energy, or even negative reactions.
Narcissists don’t hoover because they miss the person — they miss the feeling of power and validation that came from interacting with that person. I once worked with a client whose ex would cycle through old partners, reaching out to each one after a breakup. The pattern was obvious: as soon as he felt a drop in supply from one source, he’d activate the next.
The Role of Shame and Ego Preservation
Underneath this supply-seeking is a deeper driver: ego preservation. Narcissists live in a fragile ecosystem where external validation props up an unstable self-image. When a target successfully breaks away, it represents a narcissistic injury — one that threatens to trigger overwhelming shame.
Hoovering becomes a form of damage control. If the narcissist can pull the target back in (even briefly), it soothes the ego wound. It “proves” they still have influence and control.
I’ve seen this dynamic unfold particularly clearly with vulnerable narcissists, who present as wounded or misunderstood. Their hoovering often takes the form of emotional appeals — tearful messages, desperate apologies, promises to change. But the cycle inevitably repeats once supply is secured again.
Why Timing Is Never Random
Another nuance that’s easy to miss: hoovering is highly strategic in its timing. Narcissists seem to have an uncanny sense for when a former target is finally regaining stability.
One client described how her narcissistic ex resurfaced the day after she posted a joyful photo from a weekend trip — her first sign of happiness post-breakup. This wasn’t coincidence. It was a threat to the narcissist’s internal narrative of control. The goal of the hoover wasn’t reconciliation; it was to undermine her progress and reassert dominance.
Different Faces of Hoovering Across Narcissistic Types
Understanding how hoovering varies across narcissistic subtypes can add a layer of precision to our clinical work.
- Grandiose narcissists often hoover with bold, sweeping gestures — expensive gifts, declarations of love, or public attempts to win the target back. Their aim is to maintain their self-image as irresistible and powerful.
- Vulnerable narcissists tend toward more covert tactics: self-pity, guilt-tripping, or portraying themselves as the real victim of the relationship.
- Malignant narcissists use hoovering as a tool for control and punishment. They may lure the target back only to immediately devalue or sabotage them again. For these individuals, hoovering serves both supply regulation and a sadistic need to inflict harm.
Trauma Bonds and Attachment Dynamics
Finally — and this is where hoovering gets truly insidious — it leverages pre-existing trauma bonds. The intermittent reinforcement of the abuse cycle wires the target’s nervous system for heightened reactivity to the narcissist’s cues.
When a hoovering message arrives, it triggers a flood of hope, fear, longing, and confusion — even when the rational mind knows better. This is why survivors often describe hoovering as one of the hardest phases to resist.
As clinicians, we must help clients understand that their response isn’t weakness — it’s a predictable outcome of the attachment dynamics at play. I’ve found psychoeducation about trauma bonds to be one of the most effective tools here.
Common Hoovering Tactics Narcissists Use
Let’s get practical here. If you’ve worked with survivors of narcissistic abuse (and I know many of you have), you know this: hoovering doesn’t always look like love bombing. It’s a shape-shifting strategy that adapts to the narcissist’s current needs, the target’s vulnerabilities, and even the cultural context.
In this section, I want to unpack the most common hoovering tactics I see in clinical practice. I’ll group them into categories so you can start mapping these out with your clients. When survivors can name what’s happening, they can finally reclaim some power.
Emotional Manipulation
Love Bombing After Distance
The classic move. The narcissist floods the target with affection, compliments, and declarations of love — often after a long silence or painful discard. Why? Because the re-idealization phase triggers the trauma bond.
One client of mine described getting a message out of nowhere: “I realize now you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I’ll do anything to prove I’ve changed.” Of course, no actual change had occurred — the message was designed to reel her back in.
Playing the Victim
This tactic is especially potent with empathetic targets. The narcissist presents themselves as broken, misunderstood, or even suicidal. They say things like: “I can’t go on without you” or “You were the only person who ever really understood me.”
This activates the target’s caretaker instincts — and undermines their resolve to maintain no contact.
Guilt-Tripping
Another subtle form of emotional manipulation. The narcissist will remind the target of past favors, sacrifices, or shared experiences in order to induce guilt.
Example: “After everything I did for you, this is how you treat me?”
Guilt is a powerful lever, especially for those already struggling with codependency or complex trauma.
Behavioral Intrusions
Unsolicited Gifts
Unexpected flowers. A handwritten note. A box of chocolates on the doorstep.
These gestures are not acts of genuine affection — they’re provocations designed to collapse the boundary the target has worked hard to establish. Accepting the gift (or even acknowledging it) often leads to renewed contact and deeper entanglement.
Showing Up Uninvited
This can be especially terrifying. Narcissists may appear at the target’s workplace, gym, favorite coffee shop, or even their home.
The goal isn’t always overt intimidation — though that happens — but rather to create a sense of inevitability and helplessness: “You can’t escape me. We’re meant to be.”
Using Third Parties
Sometimes narcissists recruit flying monkeys — mutual friends, family members, or colleagues — to do the hoovering for them.
Example: “Your mother says you’ve been really down lately. Maybe you should give him another chance.”
Or: “He still talks about you all the time. He really regrets what happened.”
These messages can destabilize the target’s resolve by activating old relational dynamics.
Digital Hoovering
Social Media Signals
Subtle, but incredibly effective. The narcissist may like old photos, comment on posts, or post cryptic messages clearly intended for the target to see.
This creates psychological pressure — forcing the target to wonder: “Are they thinking about me? Should I respond?”
Friendly Messages
A common variation is the casual check-in: “Hey, just wondering how you’ve been.”
It sounds innocent, but the true purpose is to test the waters: Is the target still vulnerable? Will they engage?
Once a response is secured, the narcissist escalates contact.
Psychological Leverage
Shared History
Narcissists often invoke shared memories or inside jokes to reignite emotional connection.
Example: “Remember that amazing trip to Italy? I still think about it every day.”
This tactic taps into positive emotional associations, making it harder for the target to maintain an objective view of the relationship.
Using Children or Family
In cases involving shared children, the narcissist will use parenting logistics as an excuse for personal contact.
Example: “I think we should have a family dinner for the kids — it would mean so much to them.”
This is an especially tricky dynamic for survivors who feel compelled to co-parent amicably.
How to Help Clients Navigate Hoovering
Now that we’ve unpacked what hoovering looks like, let’s talk about how we can support our clients through it. I want to share some of the most effective strategies I’ve used in practice — and why they work.
Psychoeducation Is Power
First and foremost, we need to help clients understand that hoovering is not a sign of love or genuine remorse — it’s a manipulation tactic.
Trauma education is key here. When clients learn about trauma bonds, intermittent reinforcement, and narcissistic supply dynamics, they begin to see the hoovering for what it is.
I often say: “The message you received isn’t about you. It’s about the narcissist’s need for supply.” This simple reframing can be incredibly liberating.
Building Boundary Resilience
Maintaining boundaries under hoovering pressure is one of the hardest things survivors face.
I work with clients to strengthen boundary resilience through the following tools:
- Scripted responses (or no response at all)
- Blocking and filtering on digital platforms
- Safe contact plans for unavoidable interactions (especially when co-parenting)
The key is helping clients prepare before hoovering occurs. Once a hoover is live, nervous system overwhelm can derail even the strongest intentions.
Addressing Cognitive Dissonance
Hoovering often activates deep cognitive dissonance. Part of the target longs to believe the narcissist has changed; part of them knows better.
I use techniques from parts work and somatic experiencing to help clients surface and integrate these conflicting internal responses.
One approach I love: inviting clients to dialogue with the part of themselves that still hopes — and offering that part compassion, while holding the boundary firmly.
Supporting Self-Trust
Many survivors of narcissistic abuse struggle with self-doubt. Hoovering exploits this by presenting a new narrative that contradicts the survivor’s hard-won clarity.
We can support self-trust by:
- Validating the client’s experience
- Reflecting back their progress and growth
- Encouraging them to trust their intuition over the narcissist’s words
I often remind clients: “You don’t owe them anything — not a response, not an explanation, not closure.”
Clinical Self-Care
Finally — a word to us, the clinicians. Working with clients through hoovering phases can trigger countertransference. We may feel frustration, protectiveness, or even helplessness when a client is pulled back in.
This is where supervision and peer consultation are invaluable. We need spaces to process these feelings so we can show up with clarity and compassion for our clients.
Final Thoughts
Hoovering is one of the most insidious and misunderstood aspects of narcissistic abuse. For survivors, it’s a confusing, emotionally charged experience that can derail even the most determined no-contact plan.
As experts, it’s our role to help clients understand the mechanics of hoovering, build resilience against it, and ultimately reclaim their agency.
And for us? Staying curious, compassionate, and connected to our own inner clarity is what allows us to guide survivors through this treacherous terrain.
Because the truth is — knowledge really is power. And when clients can name what’s happening, they can finally begin to break free.
