What Do Narcissists Want From You?
Have you ever found yourself scratching your head, wondering why a certain person in your life always seems to take more than they give? Maybe it’s a boss who thrives on constant praise, a partner who always needs to be the center of attention, or even a friend who somehow turns every conversation back to themselves.
If you’ve been there, you might have brushed up against narcissism.
Now, I’m not talking about the casual “selfie lover” type of narcissism people joke about. I’m talking about the deeper pattern—where someone’s sense of self is built on shaky ground, and they lean heavily on others to prop it up.
That’s where the interesting part comes in: narcissists usually want very specific things from you.
And when you start spotting these patterns, it can feel like the curtain’s been pulled back on a magic trick. Suddenly, their behavior starts making a whole lot more sense.
What Narcissists Really Need From Others
Let’s get one thing out of the way: narcissists aren’t just randomly difficult people. There’s a method to the madness, and it all comes down to a few core psychological needs.
These needs drive almost everything they do in relationships, at work, and even in casual social interactions.
The craving for validation
At the heart of it all is validation. Narcissists have an inner world that’s surprisingly fragile, even though on the outside they might look confident, charming, or even arrogant. They rely on others to confirm their worth. Without that external applause, their sense of self can start to crumble.
Think of it like this: imagine someone who has a leaky bucket of self-esteem. No matter how much water (praise, recognition, attention) you pour in, it keeps dripping out. So they keep coming back, asking for more. That’s why a narcissistic boss might constantly fish for compliments after a presentation, or why a partner might get upset if you don’t gush over their new outfit.
Why admiration feels like oxygen
Validation is nice for most of us, but for narcissists, admiration is like oxygen. They breathe it in to feel alive. This is where you’ll see behaviors like exaggerating accomplishments or telling stories that always make them the hero.
Have you ever noticed someone retelling the same success story over and over, even when nobody asked? That’s not just nostalgia—it’s a way of topping up their admiration tank.
I once knew a colleague who would constantly drop, “Back when I closed that huge client deal…” into random conversations—even if we were just talking about lunch.
It wasn’t really about the deal anymore. It was about reminding everyone how impressive they were.
Control makes them feel safe
Another big one? Control. Narcissists often want to dictate how things go—not just in the obvious sense of being bossy, but in subtler ways too. Control reassures them that they’re not vulnerable.
For example, a narcissistic partner might “suggest” what you should wear to a party, or a narcissistic manager might want updates on every tiny step of a project.
It’s not always about efficiency or care; it’s about keeping the upper hand. If they can control the script, they can control how they’re seen.
Why they use people as mirrors
Here’s where it gets a bit uncomfortable: narcissists often see other people less as full humans and more as mirrors. They look at you to reflect back the image they want to see of themselves.
If they want to feel powerful, they’ll surround themselves with people who admire their authority. If they want to feel attractive, they’ll expect constant compliments about their looks.
This is why some friendships or relationships with narcissists feel one-sided—you’re essentially there to play a role in their story, not to share your own fully.
The insecurity under the mask
Now, here’s something a lot of people miss. Underneath all that demanding, bragging, or controlling behavior is deep insecurity. Narcissists may act like they’ve got it all together, but most of the time, they’re terrified of being seen as ordinary or unworthy.
That’s why they work so hard to keep up the image.
I remember a friend who seemed larger than life at parties—telling wild stories, making everyone laugh. But in quiet moments, they’d admit how terrified they were of being “boring.” That’s the paradox: what looks like arrogance on the outside is often just fear dressed up in fancy clothes.
So what does this mean for you?
When you start seeing these patterns, it can shift the way you interpret narcissistic behavior. Instead of thinking, “Why are they so bossy, so needy, so dramatic?” you can recognize, “Oh, this is about their need for validation, admiration, and control.”
That doesn’t mean you have to put up with it. But it does mean you understand the game they’re playing. And when you know the rules of the game, it’s a lot harder for someone to pull the wool over your eyes.
In other words, narcissists aren’t just being difficult for the fun of it. They’re chasing after specific psychological fuel—and if you don’t give it, they’ll often scramble to find it somewhere else. Once you spot that, you’re no longer in the dark. You’ve got the flashlight in hand.
What Narcissists Usually Want From You
So now that we’ve dug into the “why” behind narcissistic behavior, let’s talk about the “what.” What are the actual things narcissists want from you in everyday life? These aren’t just abstract psychological needs—they show up in very real, very concrete ways. And once you spot them, you’ll start recognizing the pattern in all sorts of relationships.
Here’s the kicker: not every narcissist wants all of these from you at the same time. But most of them are looking for a mix. Think of it like a menu—they’ll order whatever feeds their ego the best in that moment.
Attention and admiration
This is the big one, the classic hallmark of narcissism. They want your attention, whether it’s in the form of clapping at their achievements, reacting to their stories, or just listening without interruption while they monologue.
Have you ever been at dinner with someone who always seems to dominate the conversation? Maybe you try to share something about your day, but they quickly spin it back to themselves. That’s not just rudeness—it’s them feeding off your attention.
The tricky part is, it doesn’t always look like bragging. Sometimes, it shows up as fishing for reassurance: “Do you think I did okay in that meeting?” or “You don’t think I’ve put on weight, right?” On the surface, it might seem insecure, but underneath, it’s still about pulling admiration out of you.
Emotional labor
This one sneaks up on people. Narcissists often want you to manage their emotions for them. If they’re angry, you’re expected to calm them down. If they’re feeling insecure, you’re supposed to build them up. If they’re stressed, you’re the one who’s supposed to soothe them.
Over time, this can feel exhausting because the emotional traffic is all one-way. I knew someone who, whenever life threw even the smallest curveball, would call me immediately to vent. But when I needed to talk? Suddenly they were too busy. That’s the imbalance at play—you end up doing the emotional heavy lifting.
Control and compliance
We touched on control earlier, but let’s be blunt: narcissists want you to go along with their script. They want compliance, not compromise.
That could mean small things, like expecting you to watch the shows they like or eat at the restaurants they choose. But it can also mean bigger life decisions—what kind of career you pursue, who you spend time with, even how you dress.
If you resist, it can throw them into a tailspin. Why? Because when you don’t comply, it feels like rejection. And rejection is their worst nightmare.
A boost to their image
Narcissists love using other people as props to make themselves look better. Sometimes this looks like surrounding themselves with “high-status” friends. Other times it’s dating someone they think makes them look more attractive or successful.
I once worked with a manager who would parade our team’s achievements as if they were his own. He loved introducing us to higher-ups, not because he cared about our growth, but because our talent made him look like a brilliant leader. We weren’t individuals—we were shiny trophies on his shelf.
Resources—time, money, energy
Let’s not sugarcoat this: narcissists often want tangible resources too. That could be borrowing money, expecting you to cover for them at work, or demanding your time at the drop of a hat.
The part that stings is that they rarely give the same back. It’s a lopsided exchange—you invest your resources, and they drain them without refilling your cup.
Loyalty without limits
This might be one of the most dangerous demands. Narcissists often expect unconditional loyalty, even when they’ve clearly crossed a line. They might say things like, “If you were really my friend, you’d back me up” or “Family sticks together no matter what.”
But what they really mean is, “I want your loyalty on my terms, without question.” That can put you in sticky situations where you’re defending behavior you don’t actually agree with.
So, when you put this all together, narcissists aren’t just looking for one thing.
They’re often drawing from all these categories: your admiration, your emotional energy, your compliance, your resources, your loyalty. It’s like they’re constantly checking boxes on an invisible list of “needs.” And the more you fill those boxes, the more they come back for more.
How This Affects You
Here’s the part we don’t talk about enough: what it feels like on the receiving end. When someone constantly wants these things from you, it takes a toll. Let’s break down what happens when you’re in the orbit of a narcissist.
You start feeling drained
Imagine your phone battery stuck on 5% all the time. That’s what it can feel like when you’re constantly giving energy to a narcissist. You’re pouring out validation, attention, and effort, but you don’t get much in return. Over time, you feel emotionally wrung out.
I had a friend in college who would text me every single time she had an argument with her boyfriend. Hours-long phone calls, late at night, and always about her. After a while, I realized I dreaded seeing her name pop up on my phone. That’s the exhaustion we’re talking about.
Your needs get sidelined
Relationships with narcissists often feel one-sided. Their wants dominate, and your needs get pushed to the background. Even when you try to bring something up, the conversation somehow circles back to them.
Let’s say you tell a narcissistic friend, “I’ve been feeling stressed about work.” Instead of listening, they might say, “Oh, you think you’re stressed? Let me tell you about my week…” And just like that, your moment to be heard is gone.
You doubt yourself
This one hits hard: narcissists are pros at making you question your reality. If you resist their control or call out unfair behavior, they might gaslight you with phrases like, “You’re overreacting” or “You always twist things.”
After a while, you start wondering if you’re the problem. Your confidence takes a hit, and you find yourself second-guessing your own feelings.
The cycle of guilt
Another sneaky effect is guilt. Because narcissists lean so heavily on you for validation and emotional support, you might feel guilty for pulling back. “What if I don’t answer their call? What if they feel abandoned?” That guilt keeps you stuck, even when you know the relationship is draining you.
Real-world consequences
This isn’t just about feelings—it can spill into real life. Maybe you’re giving so much time to a narcissistic partner that you miss out on your own hobbies. Or you’re covering for a narcissistic coworker so much that your own workload suffers.
The cost adds up, sometimes in ways you don’t notice until you step back and realize just how much of yourself you’ve handed over.
Here’s the good news: once you recognize these patterns, you can start setting boundaries. It doesn’t mean you have to cut people out of your life immediately (though sometimes that’s the healthiest choice). But it does mean you can stop playing the role they’ve cast you in. You don’t have to be the constant cheerleader, the therapist, the prop, or the provider.
The shift begins with awareness. And if you’ve made it this far, you’ve already taken that step.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists want a lot from the people around them—admiration, control, loyalty, even your resources. And if you’re not paying attention, it’s easy to get pulled into their orbit without realizing how much you’re giving up.
But here’s the thing: once you see the pattern, you can choose differently. You can step back, set boundaries, and protect your own energy. Because at the end of the day, your life isn’t meant to be someone else’s stage. It’s yours. And you deserve relationships where your needs matter just as much as anyone else’s.
