He Says He Loves You But His Actions Say Different: What To Do?
Love isn’t just something we say; it’s something we do. And if someone tells you they love you, but their behavior leaves you confused, disappointed, or constantly second-guessing yourself… well, that’s not just a minor mismatch. That’s a fundamental disconnect.
I’ve seen it over and over, both personally and professionally: people get caught in this in-between where someone’s words promise intimacy, but their actions scream avoidance, self-interest, or even neglect. And what makes this so tricky—especially for those of us who know attachment theory, trauma bonding, and behavioral psychology—is that it’s not always obvious when you’re inside it. The cognitive dissonance is real.
So in this piece, I want to go deeper than the surface-level “actions speak louder than words” mantra. Let’s explore why this happens, how to spot it, and what we can actually do when we see it—without shaming ourselves for being hopeful in the first place.
When His Words and Actions Don’t Match
Why This Isn’t Just Mixed Signals
You’ve probably heard people say, “Oh, he’s just bad at showing his feelings.” But here’s the thing: emotionally safe love leaves a trace. It creates continuity. Even when someone struggles with vulnerability, the desire to care, to show up, to repair—that still leaks through. When it doesn’t, that’s not just a communication style issue. That’s avoidance, indifference, or sometimes control dressed up as affection.
Let’s take an example:
He tells you you’re the love of his life, but when you’re in distress, he suddenly goes dark for days. He says he can’t wait to build a future with you, but dodges every conversation about shared goals.
That’s not someone with “bad timing.” That’s someone who uses loving language as a shield—a way to buy more time, delay confrontation, or keep you emotionally hooked without offering emotional nourishment.
And that’s the real kicker: words without aligned behavior don’t just disappoint. They destabilize.
What Psychology Tells Us About This Pattern
A lot of people caught in this disconnect are dealing with emotionally avoidant or inconsistent partners—folks who may genuinely feel affection but don’t know how to express it safely or sustain it reliably.
From an attachment theory lens, avoidant partners often equate closeness with loss of autonomy. So they keep the connection alive through controlled doses—big declarations followed by withdrawal. It’s not always malicious. Sometimes it’s just unprocessed relational trauma doing its thing.
But from your side—the receiving side—that push-pull dynamic starts feeling like walking on emotional eggshells. And because the words sound so convincing (“I love you more than anyone”), your nervous system keeps leaning in, trying to resolve the mismatch.
Here’s where intermittent reinforcement comes in (hi, B.F. Skinner). If someone gives you love sporadically—just enough to keep you hopeful—your brain lights up like a slot machine. That’s not romance. That’s neurological entrapment.
It’s the same pattern you see in emotionally abusive dynamics: the high of validation after emotional starvation makes the low feel worth enduring. And the longer it goes on, the more we doubt our own perception of reality.
“Maybe I’m just too sensitive.”
“Maybe I’m expecting too much.”
“Maybe he really does love me and just needs time.”
Sound familiar? That’s not you being naive. That’s your brain trying to resolve a behavioral contradiction it was never meant to tolerate.
Why Saying “I Love You” Isn’t Enough
Let me say something a little uncomfortable: people lie. And not always with bad intentions. Sometimes they lie to themselves first.
But love that exists only in language is like a beautifully wrapped box with nothing inside. If someone’s “I love you” doesn’t translate into presence, effort, mutuality, repair, or shared accountability, it’s an emotional decoy.
And here’s something I’ve noticed—especially in emotionally immature men: saying “I love you” becomes a kind of emotional mic drop. They think once it’s said, it proves everything. Like the performance of love is the same as the practice of it.
But anyone who’s studied relational neuroscience knows better. Emotional bonding doesn’t form through speech—it forms through consistent attunement over time. It’s in how someone co-regulates with you, how they hold your fear, how they stay when things get messy.
So if his words feel warm but his actions feel cold? That’s not love. That’s either confusion, fear, or manipulation. And no matter what’s behind it, you deserve clarity—not chaos.
A Quick Litmus Test
If you’re ever unsure, ask yourself this:
If I stopped believing his words and only watched his behavior, what would I think he feels for me?
That one question can pull you out of the fog and back into alignment with your own truth.
Let’s not underestimate how radical it is to stop explaining someone’s behavior through their words. When we shift the lens to action, we shift the power back to ourselves.
And once you see the pattern clearly, the question becomes: What now?
We’ll dig into that next. But before we do, let’s look at the specific signs that his actions aren’t lining up. You might already know them—but I promise, there’s more nuance here than meets the eye.
Signs His Actions Aren’t Matching His Words
When someone says “I love you,” you expect a certain level of alignment—care, presence, reliability. But when that doesn’t follow, it leaves you wondering if you’re just being too demanding or reading into things. So let’s clear the fog.
I’m going to lay out the most common action-based red flags I’ve seen come up in situations like these. Some are obvious, but others? Sneakier. The goal here isn’t to create a checklist of doom, but to build awareness of the patterns that slowly erode emotional safety—even when sweet words are constantly being said.
What Red Flags Might Actually Look Like
He says “I love you,” but vanishes when you need him most
You’re going through a tough time, and suddenly he’s less available—physically, emotionally, or both. Maybe he gives vague responses like “I just need space” or “You’re too emotional.” Meanwhile, you’re the one left holding the emotional bag.
Loving someone means showing up, especially when it’s inconvenient. Love that disappears when things get hard isn’t love—it’s performance.
He talks about the future but makes no concrete plans
He tells you he wants to move in “someday,” maybe even brings up marriage or kids—but months (or years) pass, and the only thing that’s changed is your anxiety level.
Look, fantasy talk is easy. Real commitment shows up in timelines, aligned decisions, shared goals. If all you’ve got is big talk with no movement? That’s emotional procrastination.
He downplays your concerns or turns them back on you
You bring up how his behavior is hurting you, and suddenly you’re the problem. He says things like:
- “You’re overthinking it.”
- “Why can’t you just focus on the good stuff?”
- “You’re always trying to start a fight.”
That’s deflection, and it keeps you stuck. Loving someone includes making space for uncomfortable truths—not gaslighting you into silence.
He’s emotionally inconsistent
One week he’s super affectionate. Sends sweet texts, makes plans, acts like he’s all in. The next? He’s cold, distracted, distant. And you have no idea what changed.
This kind of inconsistency creates anxiety-based bonding, where you start clinging not because of the love you’re getting, but because you’re desperate to get back to the high.
He keeps you compartmentalized
You’ve been dating for a while, but you haven’t met his friends. Or his family. Or if you have, it was brief and vague. He doesn’t talk about you in public. He avoids integrating you into his daily life.
That’s not just private—it’s secretive. And there’s a difference. If someone truly values you, they fold you into their world, even in small ways.
He’s there when it’s easy, gone when it’s hard
Let’s say he’s happy to take trips, have fun, and enjoy the highs. But when you’re sick, stressed, grieving—or just needing extra support—he ghosts, withdraws, or acts irritated.
Anyone can love you when it’s convenient. Watch how someone loves you when it’s uncomfortable. That’s the real measure.
And Yes, Let’s Talk About Green Flags Too
Because sometimes what we need is a comparison point. Here’s what healthy alignment often looks like, even when things aren’t perfect:
- He listens—even when the topic is uncomfortable.
- He may not get it right every time, but he tries to repair when there’s conflict.
- He checks in when you’re upset, instead of disappearing.
- He introduces you to his people, and you’re woven into his daily life.
- He follows through. Maybe not flawlessly, but reliably.
- He shows emotional consistency—you don’t feel like you’re playing emotional roulette.
If the contrast between these two lists hits hard, that’s not a coincidence. Your body knows when something’s off. Your nervous system knows when it’s being dismissed or manipulated.
The hardest part isn’t seeing the signs. It’s believing what they mean. And that’s where we’re headed next.
What To Do When the Actions Don’t Add Up
Alright, let’s get into the real question: What do you actually do when you see the disconnect?
If you’ve made it this far, you probably already know something’s off. The challenge isn’t identifying the issue—it’s trusting yourself enough to respond to it.
This isn’t about being reactive or cold. It’s about choosing yourself in a situation that’s been slowly teaching you to abandon your own needs.
Start With You
Before anything else—before confronting him, before making decisions—check in with yourself.
- Are you feeling emotionally safe in this relationship?
- Are your boundaries being honored?
- Are you shrinking yourself to avoid rocking the boat?
Ask yourself: “What would I advise someone I deeply love to do if they were in my position?”
That question alone can shake you back into your own wisdom.
Talk About It—But Don’t Over-Explain
If you’re safe and ready, bring it up directly. Not aggressively, but clearly. Something like:
“I’ve noticed that when you say you love me, I really want to believe it—but sometimes your actions feel disconnected from that. It’s hard for me to feel secure when those things don’t line up.”
Here’s the thing—how he responds tells you everything. Does he get defensive? Blame you? Shut down? Or does he lean in, ask questions, and take ownership?
You don’t need a perfect answer. You just need honesty, consistency, and effort.
Stop Letting Promises Outweigh Patterns
This one’s tough. But I’ve seen too many people stay in relationships based on who someone could be, not who they consistently are.
Hope is a beautiful thing. But in relationships, patterns matter more than potential.
If someone says they’ll change but never does? That’s not growth—that’s emotional manipulation. If they keep hurting you and then apologizing without adjusting their behavior, that’s not love. That’s a loop.
Start measuring the relationship by what it’s like on a regular Tuesday, not what it’s like during the highs or right after a conflict.
Take One Step Back to See the Full Picture
Sometimes we’re too close to see the truth clearly. So zoom out. Imagine this relationship as a movie, and you’re watching someone you care about go through it.
Would you want them to stay? Would you believe the love was mutual?
We gain so much clarity when we shift the perspective.
Don’t Wait for Things to Get “Bad Enough”
There’s no gold star for staying in a situation just because it hasn’t completely broken down yet.
If you feel consistently unseen, neglected, or emotionally drained—that’s reason enough. You don’t need betrayal or a dramatic ending to justify walking away.
And if you’re not ready to leave? That’s okay, too. But even naming the disconnect out loud—to yourself—is a radical act of self-respect.
Consider Outside Support
Whether it’s a therapist, coach, or a trusted friend who can reflect things back to you without bias—get outside the echo chamber. These situations mess with your ability to trust yourself. You need a grounded mirror.
Also, if trauma bonding is part of what’s keeping you stuck (and let’s be honest, it often is), having professional support can make a massive difference in untangling the emotional knots.
Final Thoughts
When someone tells you they love you but their actions say something else, you’re not imagining things. You’re picking up on something real. And acknowledging that isn’t cynical—it’s wise.
Love isn’t just declared. It’s demonstrated. Repeatedly. In the quiet, in the mess, and in the hard parts of life.
You deserve that kind of love. The steady, safe kind. Not just the kind that sounds good in a text message.
So if the actions don’t match? That’s your cue. Not to fight harder—but to listen to what’s already being said in silence.
