How Narcissists Use Triangulation – and What Exactly It Is
Triangulation isn’t just one of those buzzwords we throw around in narcissism circles—it’s one of the most central, high-leverage tools narcissists use to manipulate relationships and maintain control.
And it’s subtle enough that even seasoned therapists and coaches can miss it when it’s happening in real time.
When a narcissist brings a third person into a dynamic—sometimes openly, sometimes as a shadowy reference—they’re not just stirring the pot. They’re shifting the power balance entirely.
Suddenly, you’re not dealing with a simple two-person relationship anymore. You’re stuck in a triangle where information, attention, and emotional safety are all being weaponized.
What fascinates me about triangulation is how adaptable it is. Romantic partner, parent, therapist, coworker—it doesn’t matter.
Narcissists know exactly how to pull strings across different roles and settings.
And the worst part?
They often make it look like you’re the one causing the drama.
How narcissists actually pull off triangulation
Let’s go deeper into the psychology of it all—what’s really happening behind the scenes when a narcissist starts triangulating? Most of us in the field are familiar with the basic definition: introducing a third party (real or implied) to control or manipulate a two-person interaction. But it’s more layered than that.
It starts with emotional scarcity
At the core of narcissistic triangulation is emotional scarcity. Narcissists thrive when the people around them are competing—for affection, validation, approval, or even basic emotional presence.
That competitive tension becomes the fuel for control.
Let’s take the classic romantic triangle: a narcissistic partner casually mentions how “supportive” their ex was, right in the middle of a disagreement. They’re not just reminiscing. They’re subtly activating insecurity and competition. Suddenly, you’re not discussing the actual issue anymore—you’re defending your worth. And they’re no longer accountable because now the emotional attention is on you.
This same structure shows up in workplaces too. A narcissistic manager might praise another team member to you in a way that sounds innocent on the surface. “I just love how flexible Priya is with deadlines.” Translation? Why can’t you be more like her? Cue the scramble for validation. It’s destabilizing and deliberate.
Triangulation keeps the narcissist in the power seat
When a narcissist pulls in a third person, they’re doing something brilliant (and insidious): they’re controlling the narrative from the top of the triangle. They’re now the person relaying information between two people—or worse, filtering it entirely. They can twist stories, fabricate slights, or omit details to pit people against each other.
This is especially common in family dynamics. One parent may confide in a child about the other parent in emotionally inappropriate ways (what we sometimes call “emotional incest”), turning the child into a surrogate partner or ally. Now the other parent becomes the outsider, and the narcissist maintains the loyalty and emotional dependency of the child. It’s heartbreaking, and it creates long-term attachment wounds.
And let’s not ignore how triangulation serves as a distraction. When two people are busy defending themselves or sorting out confusion between each other, they’re no longer united in questioning the narcissist’s behavior.
It’s divide-and-conquer 101.
There’s often a “phantom third”
Sometimes the third party isn’t even real—or at least not fully present. Narcissists will frequently use vague, unnamed “others” to apply pressure. You’ll hear things like:
- “Well, everyone else thinks you’re overreacting.”
- “I talked to a few friends, and they all agree with me.”
- “You’re the only one who has a problem with this.”
This phantom third person can’t be questioned or verified. And that’s the point. It puts the victim in a double bind—either accept the claim and feel isolated, or push back and get accused of being paranoid or defensive. In this way, triangulation becomes gaslighting’s strategic partner.
It exploits relational blind spots
Here’s something I’ve noticed, especially in therapeutic settings: people who value harmony are especially vulnerable to triangulation. If someone is conflict-avoidant or deeply empathetic, they’re less likely to challenge the introduction of a third party. They might even welcome it as a chance to keep the peace—unaware that it’s actually a tool for manipulation.
For example, a therapist might unintentionally get pulled into a triangulation trap with a narcissistic client who complains endlessly about their partner. If the therapist isn’t vigilant, they may start aligning with the narcissist’s narrative—thus reinforcing the triangle and disempowering the actual partner in the process.
Similarly, in co-parenting after divorce, a narcissistic ex may try to triangulate the children against the other parent by slipping in comments like, “Your mom never lets you have fun, right?” It looks casual, but it’s deeply corrosive.
What’s most chilling: triangulation is often dressed up as concern
I want to end this section by naming what I think is one of the most dangerous aspects of triangulation—it’s frequently cloaked in the language of care or protection.
Think about it: when a narcissist brings up someone else’s opinion, they’ll often frame it like they’re doing you a favor. “I didn’t want to say anything, but Mark’s really worried about your attitude lately. I just thought you should know.” That doesn’t sound abusive on the surface. In fact, it can sound helpful or even kind. But the emotional impact is destabilizing. You’re being isolated and undermined, one whisper at a time.
That’s what makes triangulation so effective—and so hard to spot. It doesn’t always come with fireworks. Sometimes it shows up as a gentle nudge, a well-placed compliment, or a concern for your well-being. But if you scratch the surface, you’ll see the same pattern: confusion, competition, and control.
The ways narcissists use triangulation in everyday life
Let’s break this down in a more practical, real-world way. We know the psychology and the structure—now let’s look at how triangulation shows up in different forms. And trust me, once you see it, you can’t unsee it. What makes triangulation so hard to catch is that it’s often disguised as normal social behavior. But in the narcissistic playbook, these “everyday moments” become loaded with manipulation and silent warfare.
The smear campaign
This is the narcissist’s version of character assassination—with a smile. You’ll see this when they tell one person a carefully edited version of something another person said or did, making sure to include only the parts that stir drama or suspicion. It’s not always a full-blown lie, either. It’s more often a manipulated truth—which makes it harder to disprove.
Say you’re dating a narcissist and you vented to a friend about a minor conflict. The narcissist finds out and says, “Well, they told me you think I’m emotionally unstable.” Boom. Instant wedge. Now you’re questioning your friend’s loyalty and feeling guilty. That’s triangulation doing its job.
The golden child vs. scapegoat shuffle
In narcissistic family systems, roles are often weaponized. You’ll often see one child constantly praised (the golden child) and another constantly criticized (the scapegoat). This isn’t just bad parenting—it’s deliberate psychological warfare.
The narcissistic parent encourages comparison and rivalry between siblings, often without directly saying a word. One child might get a new iPad “because they’ve been so responsible lately,” while the other gets reminded they “still haven’t cleaned their room from last week.” On the surface, it’s parenting. But what it’s really doing is turning siblings into adversaries instead of allies—leaving the narcissist in total control of the emotional narrative.
The new favorite
Oh, this one’s classic. A narcissist will suddenly start raving about a new friend, coworker, or romantic interest—often just after you’ve set a boundary or expressed a need. It’s not subtle, either. “Samantha just gets me. It’s so refreshing.” Translation? You’re no longer top dog.
And look, it doesn’t matter whether Samantha actually exists or not. She’s being used as a psychological prop. The real message is: “You’re replaceable.” That pressure to earn back your place in the narcissist’s spotlight is exhausting—and that’s the whole point.
The silent treatment… in front of someone else
There’s nothing accidental about the narcissist freezing you out while treating someone else like royalty right next to you. It’s the emotional version of being iced out in a glass room. They want you to see the warmth you’re being denied.
Let’s say you’re in a shared friend group, and the narcissist suddenly stops responding to you—but keeps commenting cheerily on everyone else’s posts, plans, or updates. It’s not passive aggression; it’s active triangulation. You’re being punished publicly, with plausible deniability.
Creating fake competitions
Ever had a narcissist turn a collaboration into a contest? That’s not accidental either. They’ll manufacture comparisons, keeping people just insecure enough to constantly seek their validation. This often plays out in professional settings.
Imagine two colleagues both working under the same manager—who just happens to “forget” to invite one of them to a key meeting, then praises the other one’s contributions in front of the team. Even if no one says it out loud, a rivalry has been created. The manager can now feed off the tension, controlling both employees by keeping them out of sync.
Quoting, misquoting, and conveniently “forgetting”
This might be the most subtle of all. Narcissists often use fragmented information as a tool—dropping just enough to stir confusion but never enough for clarity. They’ll say things like:
- “I mean, I don’t remember exactly what she said, but it wasn’t flattering.”
- “He told me not to repeat it, but I think you should know…”
- “I don’t want to get in the middle of anything, but—”
You know this move. It’s the verbal equivalent of lighting a match and casually tossing it behind them while walking away. These phrases are designed to trigger your anxiety, erode your trust in others, and pull you closer to them for reassurance or clarity.
It doesn’t always feel aggressive—and that’s why it works
Let’s not forget: narcissists are often incredibly charming. So a lot of triangulation comes dressed in charisma, humor, or even empathy. A friend might say, “I just think you should know what people are saying about you—I’d want someone to tell me.” And you’re left wondering: Is this person helping me or hurting me?
That’s the genius of triangulation. It operates in the grey zone—blending care with control, intimacy with isolation. And by the time you’ve pieced it together, you’re already caught in the triangle.
Why triangulation hits so hard and messes with your mind
There’s something uniquely disorienting about triangulation. It doesn’t just shake your relationship with the narcissist—it makes you question your entire perception of reality. And that’s by design. It’s a mind game with high emotional stakes, and it’s especially effective on people who care deeply about others.
Let’s unpack why this tactic is so effective—and so psychologically damaging.
It hijacks our need for belonging
At the heart of it, triangulation exploits a basic human need: the need to feel connected and secure in our relationships. When a narcissist suggests that someone else is thinking badly of us, being chosen over us, or pulling away because of us, it taps into our deepest fear—being rejected or abandoned.
Let’s be honest: even confident, emotionally intelligent people can fall for this. If someone you love says, “Your friend doesn’t really trust you anymore,” you’re not going to shrug it off. You’ll feel it. And before you even realize what’s happening, you’ll start doubting not just your friend, but yourself.
It creates a permanent state of insecurity
One of the most damaging outcomes of triangulation is chronic anxiety. Victims often feel like they’re always a step behind, always trying to win back favor or prove themselves. It creates a toxic loop:
- You sense something’s off.
- The narcissist confirms that it is—but blames someone else.
- You try to fix it, not realizing that the triangle itself is the problem.
This keeps you constantly seeking validation from the narcissist, which only deepens your dependence.
It isolates without being obvious
That’s the true cruelty of triangulation—it erodes your support system while pretending to enhance it. It doesn’t always look like isolation. Sometimes it looks like, “I just want to help you work things out with so-and-so.” Or “Maybe it’s best if you two don’t talk for a while.”
And because the narcissist is often the one who introduced you to the other person (or controls access to them), you start to associate all your connections through them. They become the gatekeeper, and that’s where the real power lies.
It blurs the lines between enemy and ally
One of the hardest parts of recovering from triangulation is rebuilding your sense of relational safety. Victims often can’t tell who to trust anymore—not even themselves. They question their memories, second-guess their instincts, and sometimes even cut off people who weren’t actually part of the problem.
This is especially true in families or close-knit communities, where the narcissist spins one version of events to each person. You’re left wondering: Who knows what? Who’s really on my side? That emotional fog can take years to clear.
It taps into childhood wounds
Here’s where things get especially deep. Triangulation doesn’t just hurt in the present—it often reopens attachment wounds from the past. If someone grew up with emotionally inconsistent caregivers, being compared, replaced, or sidelined by a narcissist can feel hauntingly familiar.
And the brain doesn’t distinguish between old trauma and new—it just registers threat. So even a subtle triangulation moment (like being left out of a group chat) can trigger a wave of panic that feels disproportionate. But it’s not disproportionate—it’s historical.
How to tell you’re stuck in a triangle
These patterns don’t always scream “abuse.” But if you’re paying attention, you’ll notice certain telltale signs. Here are some big ones:
- You’re constantly hearing what others “supposedly” think about you—but never directly.
- You feel like you’re being compared to someone, even if it’s never said out loud.
- You notice a consistent pattern of secrecy, withholding, or one-sided praise.
- You start cutting off people because of “what you’ve been told”—but you’ve never actually spoken to them yourself.
- You’re always trying to be good enough, liked enough, chosen again.
If any of that feels familiar, you’re probably not the problem—you’re the pawn.
Final Thoughts
Triangulation isn’t just a dirty trick in the narcissist’s toolkit—it’s a full-on relational strategy. And the more you see it for what it is, the less power it has. That’s the gift of awareness: once you understand how the triangle works, you can step out of it. Or better yet, refuse to enter it at all.
Because at the end of the day, the healthiest relationships aren’t shaped like triangles. They’re built on directness, safety, and mutual respect. No props, no games, no third wheels.
