How to Cope With a Narcissist in the Workplace

We’ve all run into difficult coworkers, but narcissists?

They’re a different breed—and not just because they’re self-absorbed or cocky. In the workplace, narcissists don’t just make things uncomfortable—they strategically destabilize systems to serve themselves.

And that’s where it gets tricky, especially for those of us who are trained to recognize personality structures. The moment you think, “Oh, I’ve seen this before,” they shift—charming one minute, quietly sabotaging the next.

What makes this extra hard is that narcissistic traits can sometimes look like leadership potential, especially in fast-paced or high-stakes industries. Confidence?

Check.

Vision?

Check.

Ability to command attention? Double check. But behind all that, there’s often a destructive pattern running beneath the surface—one that gaslights, isolates, and extracts value from others with surgical precision.

So, the big question is: how do we spot it before it corrodes the culture? Let’s get into that.

How narcissists show up at work

You’d think with all the DSM descriptors and diagnostic experience we have, we’d catch workplace narcissism a mile away. But here’s the rub: narcissists in professional environments are rarely textbook. Instead, they’re shapeshifters—constantly adjusting their behavior based on power dynamics, company values, and even org charts.

The illusion of competence

This one always gets people. Narcissists often look like they’re crushing it. They speak with authority, throw around jargon, and take credit with ease. And let’s be honest—they can be incredibly convincing in interviews or pitch meetings. I’ve seen narcissistic product leads get greenlit for budgets twice while gaslighting their teams into silence. Why? Because they knew how to perform competence—not actually deliver it.

Here’s a quick example: a senior marketing exec I consulted with had an incredible track record—on paper. He spoke like a visionary and had the CEO’s ear. But inside his team, there was a revolving door of exhausted junior staff, constant triangulation, and oddly vague project scopes. When we looked closer, he was manipulating upward while crushing morale downward. And everyone who pushed back? Branded “difficult” and quietly nudged out.

Lesson: Narcissists in the workplace don’t just want attention. They want control over narratives—especially ones that keep them looking indispensable.

Charm with a purpose

Let’s not underestimate the seductive power of narcissistic charm. It’s not just “being nice” or socially savvy—it’s a calculated social currency. They use charm to disarm. Especially in the early days of joining a company or taking over a new team.

They’ll compliment your intelligence, ask curious questions, seem super receptive to feedback. It’s strategic bonding, designed to make you feel seen and respected. But once they sense they’ve secured your alliance—or no longer need you—they pivot. That warmth disappears, and what’s left is either indifference or cold power moves.

I once coached a VP whose narcissistic boss had been her biggest cheerleader when she joined. Six months in, he was routinely undermining her in board meetings and sending her cryptic late-night emails questioning her “loyalty.” The shift wasn’t subtle; it was staged.

Subtle sabotage is their signature move

One of the most overlooked traits of narcissists in the workplace is their ability to sabotage—quietly and plausibly. We’re not talking about full-blown screaming matches or public humiliation. That’s too obvious. Instead, they:

• Delay decisions that affect your projects.
  
• Exclude you from key emails or meetings.
  
• Misrepresent your ideas as theirs—or dismiss them entirely, only to repackage them later.
  
• Plant doubts in others’ minds about your performance without ever making direct accusations.
  

These aren’t just difficult behaviors. They’re deliberate acts of erosion, usually directed at people who are competent, boundary-holding, or emotionally attuned enough to challenge them.

Emotional flashpoints and manufactured chaos

Here’s a pattern I’ve seen over and over: when narcissists feel exposed or not in control, they provoke emotional flashpoints. Sometimes it’s a dramatic outburst in a meeting. Other times, it’s the silent treatment or pulling rank out of nowhere.

These moments aren’t accidents—they’re resets. It’s their way of throwing everyone off balance and recentering themselves in the chaos. One client of mine described it as “being emotionally waterboarded”—you never knew when it was coming, but when it did, it made you question your memory, judgment, and even your own behavior.

And here’s the twist: they’ll often act like nothing happened the next day, as if the emotional carnage never occurred. That inconsistency? It’s a form of gaslighting.

They split and conquer

If you’ve studied narcissism clinically, you know how much they rely on splitting—idealizing some people while devaluing others. In the workplace, this becomes a strategy for control. They pit colleagues against each other, create factions, and control the flow of information.

I’ve seen entire departments destabilized because a narcissistic leader elevated one person to golden-child status while quietly eroding others’ credibility. This isn’t just favoritism. It’s structural manipulation, and it creates confusion, resentment, and burnout across the board.

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These behaviors aren’t random—they’re tactical. And unless we recognize the patterns early and name them clearly, they’ll keep thriving in the cracks of professional systems. Next, we’ll look at how we can push back—not with confrontation, but with strategy.

How to deal with narcissists without losing your mind (or your job)

So once you’ve spotted the signs—now what? Let’s be real: you can’t always call it out. Not in a room full of politics, not when the narcissist has power, and definitely not when HR still thinks “he’s just very driven.” Dealing with narcissists in the workplace requires a very different skillset than handling other toxic personalities. You need subtlety. You need strategy. And above all, you need to protect your own reality before theirs replaces it.

Here’s what’s worked for me, and what I’ve seen work for clients who couldn’t just walk away.

Neutralize emotional hooks

Narcissists feed off emotional energy—especially yours. If you get flustered, they win. If you get angry, they twist it. And if you try to outmaneuver them emotionally, they’ll flip the script so fast your head will spin. That’s why the “grey rock” technique is so effective. It sounds simple, but it’s powerful: become dull, flat, and emotionally uninteresting.

I know, this goes against every instinct you have when you’re passionate about your work. But think of it like this—you’re giving them nothing to work with. No reactions, no overexplaining, no defensiveness. You’re neutral. Boring. Forgettable.

I had a client once who stopped engaging in debates with his narcissistic team lead. Instead, he’d say things like, “That’s an interesting point, let’s table it for now,” and just kept moving forward. The drama stopped. Not because the narcissist changed—but because the emotional oxygen got cut off.

Master the art of boundaries

Boundaries are your non-negotiable. But here’s the kicker—they need to be subtle enough not to provoke, but firm enough to protect you. A lot of people think setting boundaries means having a big, bold conversation. With narcissists, that usually backfires. They either escalate or retaliate.

Instead, try boundary behaviors. Things like:

• Only responding to non-urgent emails during working hours.
  
• Clarifying expectations in writing (and keeping receipts).
  
• Limiting one-on-one time or redirecting conversations toward task-specific items.
  

You don’t need to announce your boundary. You just need to live it. And when they push (because they will), keep it calm, consistent, and bland. The less emotionally rewarding it is to cross you, the quicker they move on to someone else.

Document everything (yes, everything)

If you’re working closely with a narcissist—especially one in a leadership role—you must document your interactions. Not because you’re being petty. Because narcissists rewrite history constantly. What was agreed on Monday might “never have happened” by Friday.

Start a digital paper trail:

• Summarize meetings in email.
  
• CC others when appropriate.
  
• Save messages or Slack threads where goals, feedback, or expectations were given.
  

Think of it like building an archive of reality. If and when things escalate (or if you ever need to loop in HR), you’ll be glad you didn’t rely on memory alone.

Build your inner circle carefully

Narcissists isolate people. That’s not always obvious, but it happens in small, corrosive ways—subtle exclusion, casting doubt, whisper campaigns. So your defense? Build your ally map early.

Find your people. Peers who notice the same things. Leaders who value transparency. Mentors outside your immediate team. Don’t trauma-bond or gossip—but do stay connected. When narcissists try to reshape the narrative around you, those connections can speak to your actual work, your intentions, and your character.

Avoid direct confrontation (unless you’re prepared)

This one’s tough for people with strong ethics or direct communication styles. But listen—confronting a narcissist rarely ends well. Unless you’ve got organizational backing, ironclad documentation, and emotional distance, it’s often not worth it.

They don’t respond to logic. They don’t feel shame in the way we expect. And their instinct is to protect ego at all costs. If you challenge them, even gently, they’ll likely:

• Deny everything.
  
• Accuse you of being unstable, negative, or overly sensitive.
  
• Escalate the conflict to distract from the original issue.
  

Sometimes the best move is no move—just containment. Set the boundary, reinforce it, and stay one step ahead.

Take care of your nervous system

This is the part that often gets skipped, but it’s huge. Narcissists dysregulate environments. You’ll feel hypervigilant without even realizing it. You’ll second-guess your instincts. You’ll start editing yourself, dreading meetings, feeling off without knowing why.

That’s not just stress. That’s nervous system activation. So do the basics—but do them like your sanity depends on it: sleep, movement, nature, therapy. Find ways to remind your brain and body that you are safe, even if work doesn’t feel that way.

Because here’s the truth: you can’t control the narcissist, but you can control how deeply they get inside you.

What managers and orgs can do to stop the chaos

Alright, let’s shift gears. If you’re in a position of influence—manager, director, HR partner, or even an external consultant—you’re in a unique position to contain the ripple effects of narcissism. Not just protect individuals, but protect systems from being gamed.

Here’s how that actually looks in practice.

Don’t mistake charisma for competence

This is where a lot of organizations mess up. A narcissist knows exactly how to perform leadership. They use high-status language, dominate meetings, volunteer for visible projects. And on the surface, they seem like a dream hire.

But if you zoom out—what’s the actual impact on the team?

Start asking questions like:

• Are high performers leaving?
  
• Is there a sudden uptick in interpersonal complaints?
  
• Are others hesitant to speak up in this person’s presence?
  

These are all red flags. Narcissists can charm execs and terrify peers at the same time. That gap? It’s the danger zone. If you’re seeing it, dig deeper.

Make 360 feedback count

One of the best tools you have is structured, anonymous feedback from across levels—not just upward reporting. Narcissists tend to “manage up” extremely well while eroding trust laterally or downward.

Create channels where people can share experiences without fear of retaliation. And when feedback themes emerge (especially around manipulation, credit-stealing, or creating confusion), take it seriously. Don’t wait for a formal complaint—by the time that happens, damage has already been done.

Implement checks on power hoarding

Narcissists thrive in environments where there’s too much discretionary power. They use ambiguity to build fiefdoms, hoard information, and play gatekeeper.

You can reduce this by:

• Standardizing project visibility.
  
• Rotating leadership roles on high-profile tasks.
  
• Encouraging transparency around decision-making and goal-setting.
  

When structures are clear, narcissists have fewer places to hide their manipulation. And when influence isn’t concentrated in one person, it’s harder for them to weaponize it.

Audit for psychological safety

I know “psychological safety” gets tossed around a lot, but when it’s real, narcissists can’t thrive. Why? Because people speak up. Patterns get surfaced early. Truth outpaces charm.

Use pulse surveys, open listening sessions, and even exit interviews to get the real story. Ask questions like:

• “Do you feel safe disagreeing with your manager?”
  
• “Whose voice is missing in meetings?”
  
• “What behaviors go unchecked here?”
  

If you keep hearing about fear, retribution, or selective favoritism—you’ve got a narcissism-adjacent problem, even if no one’s using that word.

Coach, but don’t fix

It’s tempting to think you can coach narcissism out of someone, especially if you’re big on development. But let me say this bluntly—you can’t coach someone out of a personality structure they don’t see as a problem.

You can give feedback. You can create consequences. And you should hold people accountable for their impact, not just their intent. But if someone consistently blames others, dodges accountability, and weaponizes charm?

That’s not a development opportunity. That’s a containment issue.

Support the people around them

Narcissists drain teams. Even if they don’t create HR-level incidents, they create ambient harm—burnout, self-doubt, hesitation, and low morale. So make sure the people around them are getting:

• Mentorship.
  
• Clear affirmation of their work.
  
• Protected spaces to process what’s happening.
  

You won’t always be able to remove the narcissist quickly. But you can inoculate the system so the damage doesn’t spread unchecked.

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The truth is, narcissists are often rewarded by dysfunctional systems. But we’re not powerless. With the right structures, cultures, and eyes wide open—we can absolutely disrupt the cycle.

Final Thoughts

Let’s face it—narcissists aren’t going anywhere. Not in business, not in leadership, not in our inboxes. But that doesn’t mean we’re helpless. Once you see the pattern, you can stop personalizing the chaos. You can protect your energy, your work, and your sanity.

And if you’re in a position to shape systems?

Even better. Because the most powerful thing we can do isn’t just survive narcissists—it’s make sure they don’t keep rising unchecked while good people shrink themselves trying to cope.

Stay curious. Stay sharp. And remember, you’re not crazy—it really is that weird.