How Do Narcissists Cause Conflict Among Others?
Narcissists aren’t just difficult to deal with personally.
What really fascinates (and disturbs) me is how they seem to infect group dynamics. They don’t just clash with people—they set other people up to clash with each other. I’ve seen this happen in family therapy sessions, team environments, and even among clinicians in supervisory groups.
You think you’re dealing with a single volatile personality, but suddenly, the entire group’s harmony starts to unravel. That’s no accident.
This pattern goes deeper than just manipulation or attention-seeking. It ties into how narcissists maintain their sense of superiority and control.
They stir the pot not just for drama’s sake, but because turning people against each other gives them power. If everyone’s distracted fighting among themselves, the narcissist gets to stay in control—untouchable and often unseen as the source of the chaos.
So let’s unpack the mechanics of how they do it—because I think even seasoned experts often miss how covert and deliberate it can be.
How Narcissists Get People to Turn on Each Other
Triangulation Isn’t Just a Buzzword
If I had to pick one tactic narcissists rely on most to create group conflict, it’s triangulation. And I don’t mean just basic he-said-she-said drama. I’m talking about the more clinical form of triangulation, where the narcissist positions themselves between two people—usually by playing victim to one and rescuer to the other—creating a false alliance that keeps them in the center of the social web.
This isn’t just manipulative—it’s relational engineering. In therapy groups, for example, I’ve watched narcissistic clients privately tell one member that another “isn’t safe,” subtly planting seeds of distrust. In families, the narcissistic parent might pit siblings against each other by doling out affection or approval unequally, all while playing the martyr.
The result? People stop talking to each other and only talk through the narcissist. It fractures communication lines, builds resentment, and ensures the narcissist is always the one everyone turns to—for guidance, clarification, or damage control.
What’s really wild is that when you call it out, it looks like you’re the one being paranoid or divisive—because narcissists are so good at looking innocent in the middle of the storm.
Projection That Becomes Group Tension
Another move that narcissists love is projection. They accuse others of the very things they fear being accused of themselves—being selfish, manipulative, insecure, or jealous. But here’s the kicker: they don’t just do this one-on-one. They do it in ways that turn people against each other.
Let me give you a real-world example. In an organizational setting, I watched a manager with heavy narcissistic traits quietly tell one team member that another was “probably trying to steal their credit” on a joint project. That seed of doubt triggered a series of cold shoulders, passive-aggressive emails, and eventually a full-blown conflict between two people who had worked beautifully together before.
And where was the narcissist in all of this? Comforting both sides. Offering “clarity.” Maintaining their image as the glue holding things together, while being the one who started the fire in the first place.
What makes this so hard to detect is that the narcissist’s role in the conflict is often hidden or minimized. Even the people involved rarely realize that they’ve been manipulated.
The Power of the Controlled Narrative
Narcissists don’t just want control over people—they want control over how people see each other. That means they become master curators of group narratives.
They’ll frame themselves as the rational one surrounded by “emotionally unstable” people. Or they’ll talk about someone else’s “constant need for validation” while subtly drawing everyone’s attention to their own quiet competence (read: superiority).
Here’s something I’ve seen more than once in academic settings: a narcissistic faculty member tells one person that another “isn’t intellectually rigorous enough,” while telling the other that their colleague “seems threatened by your brilliance.” Both people start second-guessing each other. And again, the narcissist looks like they’re just being honest or helpful.
The most dangerous part? These narratives often get internalized. Once you’ve got two people doubting each other’s motives, the narcissist doesn’t need to say anything else. The conflict takes on a life of its own.
Gaslighting as a Group-Level Strategy
Now, we usually talk about gaslighting as a one-on-one experience. But narcissists use it across groups too—and that’s where things get even more destabilizing.
They might deny something they clearly said to one person, then confirm it to another. Or claim to have had a conversation that never actually happened. They manufacture confusion. And when people confront them, they’ll say things like, “You must’ve misunderstood me,” or “That’s not what I meant at all.”
The result? People begin to question their own memory, and more importantly—each other’s credibility. It creates this tense, paranoid environment where no one feels sure of anything. And who do they turn to for clarity? The narcissist. Again.
I’ve worked with clients in high-control groups where this tactic was so pervasive that people were afraid to trust even their closest allies. One executive told me, “I started to believe everyone else was gaslighting me—except the one person who actually was.” That’s how powerful group-level gaslighting can be.
Idealization, Then Divide and Conquer
Let’s not forget the classic love-bombing and devaluation loop—only now, scaled across multiple people. A narcissist might idealize several individuals at once, making each feel like they’re uniquely important. Then, once those individuals feel close or bonded, the narcissist starts subtly highlighting their “differences.”
Suddenly you’ve got people comparing notes and realizing they were promised the same exclusive role, praise, or attention. That realization breeds resentment, and boom—you’ve got conflict.
I’ve seen this happen even in therapy settings among co-facilitators, where the narcissistic colleague starts complimenting one therapist’s “emotional depth” while praising another’s “clinical sharpness,” all while suggesting (separately) that each is lacking what the other has. The end result? The co-facilitators start viewing each other as rivals instead of teammates.
What ties all of this together is one core goal: control. Narcissists create conflict among others not just because they enjoy the drama (though some do), but because it serves as a smokescreen and a power play. And unless we start looking beyond individual interactions and really studying how narcissists manipulate group systems, we’ll keep underestimating the damage they cause.
Let’s dig even deeper in the next section.
How Narcissists Stir the Pot in Everyday Situations
If you’re working with narcissism long enough, you start to spot patterns. There’s the grandiosity, sure. The lack of empathy. But when it comes to causing conflict between people, the genius is often in the small, repeatable moves—the ones that fly under the radar in group settings but collectively drive a wedge between people.
Let me break down the most common tactics I’ve seen narcissists use to quietly turn people against each other. This isn’t an exhaustive list, but if you’ve seen two coworkers suddenly start feuding, or a support group become weirdly polarized, chances are at least one of these was at play.
Gossip That’s Not “Just Gossip”
This one seems basic, but it’s a gateway tactic. Narcissists don’t gossip for fun—they do it strategically. They’ll share just enough of a person’s “flaws” to spark concern, but not so much that it looks like malicious slander. It’s that classic “I probably shouldn’t say this, but I’m just worried about them” kind of line.
And here’s the trick—they tell different people different versions of the same story. So while everyone thinks they’re getting “insider” info, the narcissist is actually curating multiple perceptions of the same person. Suddenly, you’ve got a room full of people who no longer trust each other, and no one can quite figure out why.
Example: I’ve watched a narcissistic supervisor tell one staff member that their colleague is “having trouble keeping up,” while telling the colleague that the first person “seems threatened by your skills.” Within days, they’re cold-shouldering each other.
Playing the Victim to Gain Loyalty
Narcissists love to seem misunderstood. And they use that image to build alliances. By presenting themselves as someone who’s been wronged, they can win over people’s empathy—and, just as importantly, their loyalty.
This often shows up as selective vulnerability. They’ll open up to one person about how another “mistreated” them, then sit back while their new confidant becomes their unofficial defender.
The manipulation is layered: first, it creates a bond with the “rescuer,” and second, it positions the accused as dangerous or untrustworthy.
Why it works: Most people don’t want to think they’ve been manipulated by someone who seemed genuinely hurt. That’s what makes this tactic especially hard to dismantle once it’s set in motion.
Withholding Key Information
One of the sneakier things narcissists do is manage access to information. They’ll tell one person about an important meeting, but conveniently “forget” to tell another. Or they’ll claim someone was “informed” about a decision, when in reality, they never passed the message along.
This tactic builds mistrust fast. People start assuming others are keeping things from them, and miscommunication turns into suspicion.
Pro tip: In professional settings, this is especially dangerous because it undermines systems that rely on transparency—like team coordination or client communication.
Contradicting Stories That Create Doubt
Narcissists are often masters of inconsistency. They’ll tell two people totally different versions of an event, then deny ever doing so when confronted. The goal isn’t clarity—it’s confusion.
This tactic serves two purposes:
- It makes the narcissist look like the only “stable” person in the room.
- It gets others so tangled in fact-checking that they don’t see the narcissist as the common denominator.
People end up thinking, “Maybe I misunderstood,” when in reality, they were being misled.
Creating Rivalry Through Jealousy
This one’s old-school but still deadly: narcissists deliberately provoke comparison and envy between people.
They’ll praise one person’s intelligence while complimenting another’s “real-world instincts.” Sounds harmless, right? But they do this knowing that the compliments will trigger feelings of inadequacy or competition.
And when people feel like they’re being subtly ranked, collaboration quickly turns into rivalry.
What’s key here is timing: these compliments are never random. They’re usually offered when the narcissist senses that people are getting too close or aligned—so they break that bond by introducing just a little insecurity.
Mirroring Multiple People at Once
Here’s a move I think we don’t talk about enough: narcissists mirror different people simultaneously in group settings, making each one feel seen, understood, and uniquely bonded.
They’ll reflect your interests, mimic your communication style, validate your values—and then do the exact same with someone else. You think you’re building something special. So does the other person. Then, when things blow up (which they eventually do), both people feel betrayed.
And the narcissist? They’ll act shocked that you ever thought you were that close to begin with.
How Narcissists Wreck Group Culture Over Time
So we’ve talked about tactics. But let’s zoom out. What actually happens when a narcissist is left unchecked in a group environment—whether it’s a workplace, a family, a therapy group, or a professional cohort?
I’ll be honest—it’s rarely subtle. The longer they stay in the mix, the more the group structure itself starts to warp.
Teams Stop Functioning Like Teams
One of the first signs of narcissistic influence in a group is a breakdown in collaboration. Suddenly, people aren’t sharing ideas freely. There’s second-guessing. Withholding. Side conversations. Everyone’s a little on edge.
The group loses what psychologists call psychological safety—the sense that it’s okay to speak up, take risks, or admit mistakes. That fear often comes from the sense that someone is watching, taking notes, and potentially twisting things later.
What’s worse is that no one can point to a specific cause. That’s how subtle narcissistic sabotage can be.
Leadership Gets Skewed
In organizations, narcissists tend to rise fast. Their confidence reads as competence. Their ability to self-promote looks like leadership. And because they often punch up and flatter down, they get support from both ends.
Once in a leadership role—or even in a perceived position of influence—they begin reshaping the culture around their needs.
You’ll hear things like:
- “You just don’t get how they work.”
- “They’re brilliant, just… difficult.”
- “You’re overreacting—they didn’t mean it like that.”
Sound familiar? That’s not just toxic behavior—it’s a toxic system forming around a narcissistic nucleus.
Therapy Groups Lose Their Purpose
This one hits close to home for many of us. I’ve facilitated groups where one narcissistic client gradually dismantled the entire structure—not by yelling or dominating, but by controlling narratives, weaponizing vulnerability, and dividing members into camps.
People stopped feeling safe sharing. Trust eroded. The group stopped working. And the narcissist kept asking, “Why does everyone seem so uncomfortable? I’m just being honest.”
It’s a form of emotional sabotage, and it can undo months of progress in a matter of sessions if you’re not vigilant.
Families Become Loyalty Battlegrounds
In families, narcissists often turn households into miniature political arenas. Affection and approval are treated as currency. Family members are pitted against one another, usually without realizing it.
This shows up as:
- Sibling rivalries that don’t make sense.
- One parent being isolated while the other is constantly defended.
- Children feeling responsible for managing the narcissist’s mood.
When this dynamic plays out over years, people forget what healthy family relationships are supposed to look like. And even when the narcissist is no longer present, those fractures can last a lifetime.
People Burn Out, but Don’t Know Why
Maybe the most insidious outcome of narcissistic conflict dynamics is how they exhaust people without ever revealing a clear source.
Folks leave jobs, break off friendships, or withdraw from social groups—not because of a big blowout, but because they feel confused, drained, and mistrustful. And because the narcissist is rarely openly hostile, they walk away looking like the reasonable one.
Final Thoughts
Here’s the truth: narcissists don’t just hurt people directly—they reshape social systems to serve their ego and control. And unless we’re really tuned in, we’ll keep treating the symptoms (mistrust, disconnection, rivalry) without naming the cause.
But once you see the pattern, you can’t unsee it. And better yet, you can intervene early. Whether it’s in clinical work, leadership consulting, or even your own personal circles—knowing these tactics gives you a chance to break the cycle.
And that, in itself, is a kind of power.
