What Will Happen When You Give Him Too Many Chances
Let’s get something out of the way—forgiveness and enabling aren’t the same thing.
We all want to believe that giving someone another shot is a form of grace, growth, or even emotional intelligence. But when it becomes a pattern, especially in relationships where power is unbalanced, it’s often just another way we self-abandon.
When we keep handing out chances, we’re not necessarily giving someone the benefit of the doubt—we’re actually teaching them how to treat us. That’s not kindness; that’s unintentional training. And here’s the kicker: they learn very quickly.
Especially if they’ve already figured out that your boundaries bend just enough when guilt, charm, or nostalgia enter the room.
So, no—offering endless opportunities isn’t always noble. Sometimes it’s just an open tab that someone else keeps drinking from while you foot the emotional bill. Let’s break down why that keeps happening—and what’s actually going on underneath.
How repeated behavior becomes silent permission
The behavior doesn’t just repeat—it escalates
Every time someone violates a boundary and gets another shot, they clock it. Not always consciously, but they do. And if their motivations are self-serving—or they’re conflict-avoidant, narcissistic, or emotionally immature—they’ll start using your forgiveness as part of their operating manual.
It’s like walking into a room with a “No Smoking” sign and lighting a cigarette. If no one says a word the first time, what’s stopping you from doing it again? Eventually, you stop even noticing the sign.
In psychological terms, this is classic operant conditioning. The reward? Getting away with the behavior. The consequence? Well, there isn’t one. And so the behavior not only repeats—it adapts. It grows more subtle, more manipulative, more entrenched. I’ve seen this play out in therapy rooms, coaching sessions, and real life with chilling consistency.
We rationalize because we want to believe in potential
Now, let’s talk about us—the forgivers. We’re not clueless. Most of the time, we know exactly what’s happening, but we spin it because the alternative—accepting the truth—is painful.
“I know he means well.”
“He’s just under a lot of stress.”
“Everyone deserves a second chance.”
Yes, and yes… but how many chances before it becomes self-gaslighting?
Here’s something I’ve noticed in myself and my clients: we tend to protect the version of the person we saw in the beginning. The version that made us feel seen, wanted, or safe. And so we end up arguing with reality, not because we don’t see the behavior, but because we don’t want to lose the story we’ve built around who they could be.
I worked with someone once who kept bailing on major commitments—ghosted birthday plans, skipped out on hospital visits, even left them hanging during a personal emergency. But every time, there was a solid excuse. Eventually, it wasn’t about what he was doing—it was about how much she didn’t want to let go of the hope that he’d go back to “how he used to be.” Spoiler: that guy never came back. Maybe he never existed in the first place.
The brain gets chemically hooked on the cycle
This is where it gets really interesting. We often talk about toxic patterns like they’re purely emotional or behavioral, but there’s a chemical loop happening in your brain too.
Every time someone hurts you and then apologizes or love-bombs you after, your brain releases dopamine and oxytocin. That powerful hit of relief feels like resolution, connection, and love. But it’s not real intimacy—it’s the neurochemical equivalent of junk food. And just like any addictive cycle, you crave that high again, even if you know the crash is coming.
Here’s the kicker: this cycle wires your brain to associate chaos with connection. And when calm or consistency shows up? It might feel boring. That’s why people stuck in these patterns often say things like, “I know he’s bad for me, but I miss him so much.” You’re not weak. You’re wired.
Repeated forgiveness can corrode your intuition
One of the biggest costs no one talks about? The slow erosion of self-trust.
When you keep saying “yes” to someone who repeatedly proves they don’t respect your limits, you start second-guessing yourself. You start wondering if maybe you are being too sensitive, too rigid, too unforgiving. That little voice inside that once screamed “red flag!” gets quieter. You mute it because it’s inconvenient.
Eventually, you’re not just forgiving him—you’re betraying yourself. And the more times it happens, the more disconnected you get from your own compass. That’s when we start losing not just the relationship—but pieces of ourselves.
Here’s what’s wild: many people stuck in this cycle are high-achievers, emotionally intelligent, and self-aware. That’s exactly what makes them so vulnerable. Because they believe in growth, in nuance, in redemption—and those values get used against them.
So if you’ve ever wondered, “Why does he keep doing this even though I’ve been so patient?”—it’s because your patience became part of the problem. Not because you’re wrong for caring. But because he figured out that caring means you’ll stay.
Signs you’re stuck in a forgiveness loop
Okay, so we’ve established that repeatedly handing out chances can really mess you up emotionally and psychologically—but how do you know when you’re actually stuck in one of these forgiveness loops? Here’s a breakdown of the most common signs I’ve observed and experienced firsthand, both personally and professionally.
You start predicting their apologies before they even arrive
When someone regularly messes up and apologizes, you begin to recognize their patterns. It’s like you’ve memorized the script:
- They do something hurtful or disrespectful.
- There’s initial defensiveness or silence.
- Eventually, they apologize dramatically, promising it won’t happen again.
And when you can see that apology coming a mile away, it’s not comforting—it’s unsettling. You’re actually bracing yourself for it. It stops being about reconciliation and starts feeling like manipulation. You’re essentially stuck in a predictable script—and you’re not even writing your own lines anymore.
Emotional exhaustion becomes your new normal
You know that drained feeling when you repeatedly forgive someone who’s not changing? That exhaustion is not your imagination—it’s your emotions and nervous system telling you that something is deeply wrong.
I once worked with a woman whose partner constantly canceled plans at the last minute. Each apology seemed sincere, so she gave chance after chance. Eventually, she admitted she started feeling emotionally numb even when accepting his apologies. Her forgiveness had become mechanical—more habit than healing. That numbness was her nervous system’s way of saying, “We can’t keep doing this.”
Your boundaries keep moving (and not in your favor)
Healthy boundaries are clear and firm, but when you’re stuck in this forgiveness loop, your boundaries start looking like negotiable suggestions. Ever notice how you set a firm line, and somehow it gets walked over repeatedly? Eventually, you stop holding that line altogether. And when boundaries disappear, so does your sense of self-respect.
It’s like saying, “Please don’t text your ex,” and ending up at, “Fine, you can meet for coffee—as long as you tell me about it afterward.” Each compromise seems minor, but collectively, they add up to emotional erosion.
Empathy becomes weaponized against you
One of the hardest parts about repeatedly forgiving someone is realizing they’re weaponizing your own empathy. If you’ve ever heard something like, “If you really loved me, you’d forgive me again,” that’s empathy manipulation. They’re using your compassion as leverage against accountability.
This isn’t accidental—it’s tactical. They know you care deeply about being fair, kind, and understanding. So they frame their misbehavior in terms that appeal directly to your empathetic side, turning your biggest strength into their strongest tool.
You stop sharing details with friends or family
Another major red flag is self-isolation around the issue. If you’ve ever caught yourself saying, “I just won’t mention this to my friend because I already know exactly what she’ll say,” that’s a huge warning sign.
I once had a friend tell me she stopped sharing relationship problems because everyone around her pointed out exactly what she didn’t want to admit: she was being taken advantage of. She avoided their input because it would force her to confront uncomfortable truths. Isolation keeps the loop spinning unchecked.
The hidden cost of endless second chances
We’ve talked about patterns and signs—but what actually happens to your emotional, psychological, and social health when you repeatedly give chances? Let’s go deeper, because the real damage is often hidden beneath the surface.
You quietly lose self-respect
The more you let someone disrespect you without consequence, the more you internalize that disrespect. Eventually, it becomes self-directed. Your subconscious mind starts wondering, “Maybe this is all I deserve?” Without realizing it, you lower your own expectations, gradually accepting worse behavior not just from this person, but from others as well. Self-respect is slow to erode, but when it does, it affects every aspect of your life—from work to friendships to your self-image.
Your relationship standards drop significantly
Think about it: every chance you give recalibrates your standards a little lower. Over time, you start accepting things you’d never imagine tolerating before.
I’ve witnessed smart, confident, accomplished people slowly accept constant disrespect—like cheating, public humiliation, or chronic irresponsibility—simply because they conditioned themselves to forgive smaller transgressions repeatedly. Once standards drop, climbing back up becomes incredibly difficult.
Emotional numbness becomes your shield
When hurt becomes routine, your body responds by shutting down emotionally. It’s a survival mechanism called dissociation. You stop fully feeling your pain because it’s too overwhelming to handle continually.
This emotional numbness initially feels like relief, but it quickly becomes destructive. When you stop feeling negative emotions, you also stop fully experiencing positive ones. You’re essentially trading vibrant emotional health for a flatlined existence. It’s tragic, because numbness isn’t peace—it’s absence.
You spiral into regret after each cycle
After forgiving repeatedly, regret hits harder each time. There’s the initial high of reconciliation, followed by intense regret once reality returns. You ask yourself, “Why did I do this again? Why didn’t I trust myself?” Each round leaves deeper emotional scars. This cycle of regret becomes so powerful that it begins shaping your core beliefs about yourself, planting seeds of self-doubt that linger long after the relationship ends.
Final Thoughts
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: forgiveness isn’t always noble—especially when it becomes a habit that undermines your worth, intuition, and emotional health. Real compassion includes boundaries; it has conditions and consequences. It requires accountability and genuine change from the person receiving it.
Your empathy, forgiveness, and kindness are precious resources. Protect them fiercely. Handing out endless chances isn’t an act of love if it continually harms you—it’s just another way of avoiding painful truths about the relationship, yourself, or both.
Ultimately, every relationship should empower you, not drain your spirit. Remember, your willingness to forgive isn’t limitless—and it shouldn’t be. You deserve reciprocity, respect, and care in return. The greatest gift you can give yourself might just be knowing exactly when to stop giving chances and start choosing yourself.
