If He Loves You, Should He Do Whatever It Takes To Have You?
We all grew up with the story: if he really loves you, he’ll climb mountains, fight dragons, and chase you until you say yes. Sounds romantic, right? But let’s pause—who’s actually winning here? And at what cost?
The idea of “doing whatever it takes” can feel like the ultimate proof of devotion. But it often hides a messy undercurrent of entitlement and fear that we, even as relationship experts, can overlook. I’ve seen men mistake persistence for love, crossing boundaries under the illusion of being “romantic.” I’ve seen women interpret discomfort as butterflies because we’ve been conditioned to see chase as value.
If we truly want conscious love, we’ve got to examine these stories we tell ourselves.
Because the truth?
Healthy love doesn’t look like a conquest. It looks like alignment, agency, and mutual desire. And that’s a lot sexier—and safer—than chasing a fantasy.
The Truth About Doing “Whatever It Takes”
Why This Idea Hooks Us
You and I know the neuroscience of love: dopamine spikes with unpredictability and risk. “Doing whatever it takes” plays right into that. It keeps the attachment system activated, especially for those with anxious patterns, convincing them that love requires struggle. The chaos becomes proof of depth.
We see this with clients who say, “But he’s trying so hard,” while ignoring the anxiety brewing in their chest every time he disregards a boundary. Or with men who say, “If I just show her how much I care, she’ll see I’m the one,” as they overstep signals of disinterest.
Why do we let this slide? Because we’ve romanticized longing. We equate emotional turbulence with love, confusing trauma bonding with chemistry. And hey, it sells movies.
Attachment Patterns Hiding as Romance
When men say they’ll do anything to win her over, it often looks noble. But it can be anxious attachment in action, driven by fear of abandonment, needing the relationship to soothe that fear.
Take a client I worked with who kept “surprising” a woman he was casually dating, despite her expressing discomfort about it. He thought he was showing devotion; she felt her autonomy shrinking with each “grand gesture.” It wasn’t love; it was control dressed up as commitment.
On the flip side, women with avoidant tendencies often interpret pursuit as proof they’re desirable while maintaining emotional distance, creating a push-pull dynamic that feels intoxicating. This is textbook anxious-avoidant activation, not love.
When we encourage “doing whatever it takes,” we’re often feeding this cycle.
Power, Agency, and Respect
Here’s something that’s easy to forget in these conversations: consent and agency matter, even in love. If love requires you to override the other person’s boundaries, it’s not love—it’s entitlement.
I get it, the idea of “never giving up” feels heroic. But conscious love requires respecting another person’s timing and capacity. If she’s not ready, or she’s saying no, the most loving action isn’t to push harder. It’s to honor her sovereignty.
We can’t talk about “whatever it takes” without talking about patriarchy either. Many men have been taught that their love is a gift women should eventually accept, that persistence will melt resistance. It’s a script rooted in conquest culture, not connection.
Fear vs. Love-Driven Pursuit
Here’s a practical frame I use with clients:
- Are you taking action from fear (fear of losing her, fear of being alone, fear of inadequacy)?
- Or are you acting from love (a desire to co-create, an honoring of her agency, a curiosity about shared potential)?
For example, if a man drives across the country to surprise a woman who said she needs space, that’s fear-driven. If he communicates honestly, gives her room, and shows up consistently with integrity, that’s love-driven.
Most “whatever it takes” actions people romanticize fall in the fear category.
Real-World Examples
A man I coached once wanted to “win back” a woman who ended things. His plan was to send her daily love letters, despite her clear request for distance. He was convinced this was proof of his commitment.
I asked him, “If she did this to you after you asked for space, would you feel loved or pressured?” He paused. It clicked. His actions weren’t about her; they were about soothing his discomfort with rejection.
Another client ended things with a partner who kept pushing her to commit despite her uncertainty. He said, “I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you.” She felt trapped, not cherished.
When we’re honest, we see that “whatever it takes” is often an attempt to control the outcome.
How This Hurts Future Connection
Pursuing someone while ignoring their signals or needs fractures trust. Even if they eventually say yes, the foundation is shaky because the dynamic started with pressure, not mutuality.
And let’s be clear: the relational field is sensitive. When someone feels your love as force, they close. When they feel your love as presence and respect, they soften.
If you’re truly serious about conscious partnership, “whatever it takes” needs to evolve into “whatever is aligned.” Because aligned actions build connection, while fear-driven actions corrode it.
Here’s what I believe: Love that requires force isn’t love, it’s a contract built on fear. If he really loves you, he will not do whatever it takes to have you. He will do what it takes to honor your freedom while showing up with courage and clarity, letting you choose him, too.
And that’s a lot more powerful—and a lot more loving—than the hero myth we’ve been sold.
When It Makes Sense to Keep Pursuing
We’ve unpacked why “whatever it takes” can slide into fear-driven territory, but let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater. There are moments when staying in the game is aligned, healthy, and even necessary for conscious love to bloom.
I’ve seen men give up too quickly because they’re terrified of rejection, mistaking a moment of hesitation for a hard no. I’ve seen women test men unconsciously, needing to see if he can handle the discomfort of growth together, not just the honeymoon glow. Relationships require discernment, and sometimes a challenge is an invitation to rise.
So how do we know the difference between a conscious pursuit and an anxious chase? Here’s a clear lens, using practical, lived examples you can apply immediately in your client work or your own relationships.
There Is Mutual Interest, Even If It’s Not Easy
If she’s expressing consistent interest, even with some hesitations, it’s worth staying engaged. Real life isn’t a Disney movie; people have fears, past wounds, and real-life complications. A woman who says, “I really like you, but I’m scared,” is different from someone who is cold, dismissive, or actively avoiding you.
One client of mine was dating a woman going through a divorce. She liked him but was scared of jumping into something serious. He held space, didn’t pressure, but stayed consistent, checking in without expectation. Over months, her clarity grew, and they consciously moved forward together. That’s not anxious pursuit; that’s emotional maturity in action.
Values Are Aligned, Timing Needs Patience
Alignment doesn’t mean “perfect.” It means the big rocks—values, vision, lifestyle goals—fit. Timing, though, might require patience. Maybe she’s moving cities, caring for a parent, or finishing grad school. The immature masculine wants instant gratification, but the mature masculine knows that love sometimes unfolds in layers.
When there’s alignment but timing friction, a healthy pursuit looks like steady presence without pressure.
Boundaries Are Respected
If your pursuit overrides her boundaries, it’s not healthy. Full stop. But if you can maintain connection while respecting her need for space, it’s a sign you’re operating from your grounded masculine.
I worked with a man whose partner asked for a month of no contact to clear her head. He respected it fully, even though it hurt. He didn’t use burner accounts to watch her stories or send “just checking in” texts. She came back, clear and ready, because his respect built trust, not resentment.
It’s Driven by Love, Not Fear
Ask yourself: Is your desire to keep pursuing rooted in fear of losing her, or in the love you feel when you’re around her? If it’s fear, you’ll move from urgency, trying to force outcomes. If it’s love, you’ll move from presence, allowing connection to evolve naturally.
Emotional Regulation Is Present
You can’t build a conscious partnership on emotional chaos. If you’re so anxious that you can’t sleep, eat, or function while pursuing, that’s a red flag for inner work. The men I’ve seen succeed in aligned pursuit are the ones who can feel the discomfort of uncertainty without letting it dictate their actions.
You Can See a Long-Term Vision Together
Sometimes men pursue without even asking themselves, “Do I actually want to build a life with her, or am I addicted to the chase?” If you see her as a partner for your vision, and you’ve clarified she aligns with your values, that’s a reason to stay engaged.
Practical Example: The Healthy Pursuit in Action
A client of mine met a woman who was aligned with him on every major value: family, lifestyle, emotional intimacy, spiritual growth. She was hesitant, not because of him, but because of past relationship trauma.
He didn’t push her to decide. He continued to live his life, date consciously, and hold space for her without making her the center of his world. He would send thoughtful, non-intrusive messages and invite her into experiences with no pressure for commitment. She eventually chose him fully, not because he “wore her down,” but because she felt safe to say yes.
Key Reminder
Pursuing a woman doesn’t mean overriding her hesitation with your desire. It means showing up with your truth and letting her see who you are while giving her space to decide.
A conscious pursuit is steady, clear, and respectful, not desperate, demanding, or boundary-pushing. If you can stay present while respecting her process, you’re not doing “whatever it takes”—you’re doing what it takes to honor love.
What Real Love Looks Like in Pursuit
Now that we’ve clarified when staying in the game makes sense, let’s ground ourselves in what real, mature love looks like in the pursuit phase. Because at the end of the day, you don’t just want to get the girl—you want to build a conscious, thriving partnership that lasts.
The difference between immature pursuit and conscious pursuit is about intention, embodiment, and alignment with values.
He Honors Your Freedom
If he truly loves you, he won’t try to manipulate you into choosing him. He won’t create false urgency, use your insecurities against you, or play the “if you loved me, you’d…” game.
Instead, he will honor your freedom while showing up with consistency. He knows that a “yes” that comes from pressure will become resentment later. A man who values conscious love over his ego understands that your freedom is more important than his fear of rejection.
He Embodies Leadership, Not Control
Leadership in pursuit doesn’t mean control. It means taking initiative while remaining responsive to your cues. It means being willing to express desire while also being able to handle a “no” with grace.
One man I coached was interested in a woman who needed slow pacing due to past trauma. He took the lead in planning dates, expressing his interest, and communicating his intentions, but he never pushed her beyond her comfort zone. That’s leadership without coercion.
He Creates Safety, Not Pressure
Real love feels safe. It doesn’t demand instant decisions or constant reassurance. A man who truly loves you will create emotional safety through his consistency, transparency, and non-reactivity.
For example, if you express doubt or fear, he won’t spiral into anger or disappear to punish you. He’ll listen, validate, and give you space to process while staying connected.
He Chooses You, But Doesn’t Need to Possess You
Conscious love is about choice, not possession. He can desire you deeply, but he doesn’t need to own you to feel secure. He wants to build a partnership where both people are choosing each other daily, not out of fear but out of genuine desire.
This is a man who is already fulfilled in his purpose, friendships, and personal life. His world doesn’t collapse if you’re not in it, but he’d love for you to join him.
He’s Willing to Let Go
This is the hardest one for many men: if you don’t want to be with him, he will let you go with love. Because he understands that love is not proven by how hard you hold on, but by how gracefully you release what isn’t aligned.
Letting go isn’t giving up; it’s respecting the reality that love cannot be forced.
A Real Example of Conscious Pursuit
A client of mine fell deeply for a woman who was unsure due to distance and family obligations. He made it clear he wanted to build a life with her, visited when it was aligned, and maintained connection without pushing for answers.
She eventually realized she wanted the relationship and they moved forward together. Had he tried to rush her or use emotional manipulation to “win,” she would have closed off.
Real Love Requires Inner Work
Conscious pursuit will challenge your insecurities. It will ask you to face your fear of rejection, your scarcity mindset, and your desire to control. If you can transmute these patterns into presence, patience, and alignment, your pursuit becomes an act of love, not fear.
It’s not about proving your worth to her or trying to fill your emptiness with her presence. It’s about inviting her into your life as a sovereign partner while holding the courage to let her choose—or not choose—you.
Final Thoughts
We’ve been sold a lie that love is about chasing until you win. But real, conscious love isn’t about “whatever it takes.” It’s about doing what’s aligned, respectful, and real.
If he truly loves you, he will pursue you with presence, not pressure. He will honor your freedom while showing up with clarity. He will lead without controlling. He will desire you without needing to possess you.
Love worth keeping isn’t built on chasing. It’s built on alignment, choice, and the courage to let each other be free while choosing to walk together. That’s the kind of love we’re all worthy of—and the kind of love we can consciously create.
