How Do Narcissists Feel Emotions
Narcissists are some of the most emotionally fascinating people to study. For all their bluster and grandiosity, it’s easy to forget that underneath, they do feel emotions. But the way they feel them isn’t just a “muted” or “amplified” version of what others feel—it’s structurally different.
If we stick with the standard view—that narcissists lack empathy and regulate self-esteem through external validation—we risk missing the deeper story. How does someone who fears vulnerability navigate a fundamentally vulnerable system like human emotion? And how does their emotional experience shift between narcissistic grandiosity and collapse?
This post isn’t about whether narcissists have emotions (they do). It’s about how they experience them, often in ways that are surprising—even to those of us who’ve been studying them for years. My hope is to give you a few fresh angles to think about, and maybe even sharpen how you see narcissism in the clinic or lab.
The Emotional World of Narcissists (Not What It Seems)
Emotional dysregulation is central
When we look at narcissists’ emotional lives, one thing is clear: dysregulation is the default, not the exception.
In both grandiose and vulnerable narcissism, emotions are tightly linked to threats to self-esteem. This creates a kind of “emotional fragility”—narcissists may show what looks like boldness or calm, but underneath, their feelings are highly reactive to perceived ego injuries.
Think about a grandiose CEO being snubbed at a conference. Outwardly they might scoff or belittle the person. Internally? Likely a surge of shame, rage, and possibly self-doubt—all in rapid sequence. But they may lack the reflective capacity to process this fully, so these emotions often remain unintegrated and acted out, rather than acknowledged.
Reactivity vs. awareness
Here’s a distinction I find helpful in understanding narcissistic emotion: high emotional reactivity, low emotional awareness.
In other words, narcissists feel things strongly, but they often don’t know what they’re feeling, or why. Research on alexithymia in narcissistic individuals supports this. One 2021 meta-analysis found significant links between both grandiose and vulnerable narcissism and alexithymic traits, especially difficulties identifying and describing feelings.
This helps explain why many narcissists behave in what seem like emotionally extreme or puzzling ways. They aren’t simply “cold” or unfeeling; they’re flooded by states they can’t easily name or modulate.
The empathy puzzle
A classic finding in narcissism research is that narcissists show deficits in affective empathy (feeling what others feel), but often intact—or even manipulative—cognitive empathy (understanding what others feel).
But in practice, this leads to a strange dynamic: narcissists may know exactly which buttons to press in others, yet not genuinely feel with them. Clinical work often reveals this split: a narcissistic patient may describe someone else’s grief or joy in pitch-perfect language, while appearing emotionally flat or bored.
In social contexts, this plays out as what I’d call instrumental empathy: narcissists may perform empathic behaviors when it serves their goals (say, to charm or gain status), but these displays don’t necessarily arise from authentic affective resonance.
The hidden dominance of shame and envy
If I had to name two core emotional drivers in narcissistic dynamics, they’d be shame and envy—both of which narcissists usually hate feeling.
Shame is often triggered by any perceived inadequacy or loss of status. The classic narcissistic rage episode? It’s usually shame-driven, erupting when the narcissist’s inflated self-image is punctured. Heinz Kohut’s early work on narcissistic injury still holds up beautifully here.
Envy, on the other hand, operates more covertly. I once worked with a client who couldn’t stop mocking a former colleague’s success, even though he’d describe himself as “above caring about that stuff.” The envy was palpable, but admitting it would threaten his self-concept as superior and self-sufficient.
Emotional paradoxes in grandiose and vulnerable narcissism
Finally, it’s worth remembering that grandiose and vulnerable narcissists can feel emotions very differently.
- Grandiose narcissists often seem less emotionally “available,” but this is a defense—beneath the surface, they may experience intense (and disavowed) feelings like shame and fear.
- Vulnerable narcissists tend to report more conscious negative affect, including anxiety, sadness, and hypersensitivity to rejection. But they, too, struggle to metabolize these emotions in a coherent way.
Both groups share the same core difficulty: a fragile self that is easily overwhelmed by strong affect, leading to chronic dysregulation and defensive emotional patterns.
So when we ask how narcissists feel emotions, the answer is paradoxical: intensely, but incoherently. They are often at the mercy of their emotional states, while simultaneously unable or unwilling to reflect on them in a healthy way.
And if you’ve ever sat across from a narcissistic patient in the grip of envy, rage, or grandiosity, you know: these emotions aren’t faint whispers—they roar.
How Emotions Typically Feel to Narcissists
When we move from theory to the lived experience of narcissists, things get even more interesting. Clinically and anecdotally, what narcissists say they feel—and what their behavior reveals—can often diverge. Their emotional life is intense but unstable, driven by ego concerns and external validation.
Here’s a list-based breakdown of how key emotions are typically experienced by narcissists, based on empirical research, clinical observations, and reports from narcissistic individuals themselves. I’ll mix in examples where I can—it helps ground this in real life.
Rage
If there’s one emotional state that most therapists and researchers immediately associate with narcissism, it’s rage.
Narcissistic rage isn’t just anger. It’s a specific kind of affective storm triggered by perceived threats to self-esteem or status. It can show up as explosive outbursts, simmering resentment, or passive-aggressive behavior.
For example, a grandiose narcissist denied a promotion might lash out at colleagues, belittle the manager, and spread rumors. Vulnerable narcissists might withdraw into bitter silence, fantasizing about revenge.
Importantly, the rage is disproportionate to the external event. That’s because it’s not about the event—it’s about the ego wound it represents.
Shame
This is the core affect beneath most narcissistic defenses.
But narcissists often have a highly conflicted relationship with shame. They experience it as intolerable—something that must be warded off at all costs. That’s why they develop such elaborate defenses (grandiosity, entitlement, idealization/devaluation, etc.).
Clinically, you’ll often see shame manifest indirectly:
- Sudden shifts from charm to cruelty
- Withdrawal following minor criticism
- Preoccupation with maintaining a flawless image
One of my clients—a high-achieving entrepreneur—once described a failed product launch not with sadness or disappointment, but with: “I wanted to disappear. I felt like a complete fraud.” That’s shame, though he could barely tolerate naming it.
Envy
Envy is another unbearable emotion for narcissists.
They often experience chronic envy toward those who possess qualities or status they desire. But because envy threatens the narcissistic self-image of superiority, it’s usually disavowed and acted out as contempt, devaluation, or sabotage.
Example: a colleague wins an award. The narcissist may publicly congratulate them, while privately denigrating their abilities and spreading rumors about how “they don’t really deserve it.”
Research by Krizan & Johar (2012) shows that narcissistic envy is linked to both hostile behaviors and malicious joy when envied targets fail.
Pride and Hubris
Narcissists frequently report feelings of intense pride, but it’s not the secure, grounded kind.
Instead, it’s more accurately called hubris—an inflated, defensive sense of superiority that compensates for inner insecurity. This state is often fragile and fluctuates rapidly based on external feedback.
A positive review, social media praise, or public recognition can trigger grandiosity. But the pride can collapse instantly if followed by even mild criticism.
I once worked with a client who described feeling “like a king” after a viral post—only to spiral into self-loathing two days later when a commenter mocked him.
Anxiety
Though less discussed, anxiety is very common in narcissists, especially the vulnerable subtype.
Anxiety typically centers around:
- Fear of exposure or failure
- Fear of losing status or admiration
- Fear of abandonment
Unlike rage or pride, narcissists may be more conscious of their anxiety, though they often experience it as shameful weakness. Grandiose narcissists may deny it entirely, while vulnerable narcissists may ruminate excessively.
In both cases, anxiety fuels constant impression management—the need to control how others perceive them.
Pleasure and Joy
Here’s an important nuance: narcissists can feel pleasure and joy, sometimes very intensely.
But these positive emotions are often externally contingent—they depend on validation, success, or admiration. As a result, they tend to be fleeting and unstable.
A vulnerable narcissist might feel genuine joy after an achievement, only to have it collapse if someone else outshines them. A grandiose narcissist might experience euphoria when praised, but become cold or irritable when attention shifts elsewhere.
Their capacity for intrinsic joy—pleasure not tied to external validation—is often underdeveloped.
Empathy Blunting
Finally, while narcissists can intellectually understand others’ emotions, their affective empathy is typically blunted.
This means they may appear emotionally unresponsive or even callous in situations that evoke compassion in others. Alternatively, they may mimic empathy when it serves their goals.
Example: a narcissistic partner comforts someone publicly but later complains about the person’s “weakness” in private. They “know” how to act empathetically but don’t genuinely feel with the other person.
This emotional blunting contributes to interpersonal difficulties and reinforces narcissistic defenses.
What Shapes How Narcissists Feel Their Emotions
While the patterns above are common, it’s crucial to understand that how narcissists feel emotions isn’t static. It’s shaped by several powerful variables. If you want to really grasp narcissistic emotional experience, these factors are essential.
Subtype of Narcissism
Let’s start with one of the most obvious variables: grandiose vs. vulnerable narcissism.
Grandiose narcissists tend to:
- Experience less conscious negative affect
- Externalize emotions through acting out
- Maintain defenses of superiority and invulnerability
Vulnerable narcissists tend to:
- Report more conscious anxiety, sadness, and shame
- Internalize negative emotions
- Alternate between grandiose fantasies and feelings of inferiority
In practice, this means that two narcissists can react very differently to the same emotional trigger, depending on their subtype.
Example: being rejected from a job interview.
- Grandiose narcissist: “They’re fools. The company’s not even good enough for me.”
- Vulnerable narcissist: “I’m worthless. I’ll never succeed.”
Developmental History
Early attachment patterns play a huge role in shaping narcissistic emotional life.
Many narcissists experienced:
- Inconsistent caregiving (swinging between overpraise and devaluation)
- Emotional neglect
- Conditional love based on performance or image
As a result, they learned to:
- Dismiss or distort their own feelings
- Rely on external feedback to regulate affect
- Fear vulnerability and authentic emotional expression
This developmental backdrop explains why narcissists often lack coherent emotional schemas—their emotions are raw, unprocessed, and overwhelming.
Momentary Ego State
This is one of my favorite points: narcissistic emotional experience fluctuates massively depending on current ego state.
When the narcissistic self is inflated (after a success, for example), emotions like pride and joy dominate.
When the self is deflated (after criticism or failure), emotions like shame, rage, and envy emerge forcefully.
These shifts can happen rapidly, even within a single conversation.
One of my clients would swing from declaring himself a genius to berating himself as a fraud—all within 10 minutes—depending on subtle cues in our interaction.
Context of Social Interactions
Social context matters enormously for how narcissists feel and display emotions.
In public, many narcissists are highly skilled at impression management—modulating their emotional displays to maintain a desirable image.
In private, less regulated emotions emerge:
- Vulnerable narcissists may collapse into despair or bitterness
- Grandiose narcissists may express more contempt or rage
This split between public and private emotional experience is a hallmark of narcissistic dynamics and can confuse those close to them.
Co-occurring Psychopathology
Finally, comorbid conditions can profoundly shape narcissistic emotional life.
Common comorbidities include:
- Borderline traits → amplify emotional instability
- Depression → increase conscious negative affect
- Substance abuse → blunt or distort emotional experience
The presence of these factors often makes narcissistic emotional patterns more chaotic and harder to manage, both for the individual and those around them.
In short: when you see a narcissist who seems “more emotional” or “less emotional” than expected, consider what comorbidities might be influencing their affective world.
Final Thoughts
If there’s one thing I hope this post leaves you with, it’s this: narcissists are not unemotional—they’re emotionally dysregulated.
Their feelings are intense, ego-driven, and often incoherent. Understanding this not only deepens our empathy but also sharpens our clinical work and research.
Next time you encounter a narcissist—in the therapy room, the boardroom, or your personal life—remember: beneath the surface, a storm of shame, envy, rage, and fragile pride may be raging. And that storm is what shapes so much of their behavior.
